Medication might be something that some people are stuck with. I dislike the thought that I might be reliant on it. As someone said, "everyone" is on medication. But I don't about this. I am somewhat obsessed with the idea of it, or more particularly, hard hard-hitting lithium actually is. I have a block about it, and right now, I don't think my medications are right. But I am trying to do things right, and waiting until I can see my doctor to adjust it. Although that means waiting quite some time. I will write down my concerns on a list and bring it to their attention when I have that meeting. But it is an ongoing issue.
I think growing up means gathering some sort of independence. When you are diagnosed with a critical mental illness, or any other major disability, your parents have a tendency to be overly loving, whether that is through genuine concern, or, as someone had said, through "guilty parenting". But really, separating and breaking free and becoming your own person after having experienced such a trauma (or tragedy) is no easy task. Luckily, I believe I am not too old that I can work on myself a bit more and gain some sort of lasting happiness. I think therapists call it "enmeshment". There was a time when I was independent, socially, and could stand on my own two feet. I had to break into this routine, this habit once again recently and this involved drawing a hard line with the person who perhaps cares about me the most. It's scary. We don't want to let each other down. But a lot of it draws on realizing only you are responsible for your own happiness, and the other person is experiencing the same thing. To accept that you can be happy and others can be happy is perhaps what leads to that great sense of independence and automony. Finding your own way and carving your own life is what "growing up" or discovering yourself is all about. Even if you have to do it again. When we fall, we have no choice but to bring ourselves back up and keep fighting the good fight, every day.
This brings me to love. Love is great but it can also be suffocating. I am still grappling with this concept. Demanding love is probably not right, and expecting it perhaps too. I sometimes think of "spoiled" people as being in this dilemma. After my shocking life-experience when I was younger, I fell into a pattern where the people closest to me, the people that mattered most also because my biggest crutches. They were soaked in responsibility and dull obligation to loving me, so much that I, and perhaps them, could not really breathe. This led to a shattering whereby we all split apart and now have no choice but to feel confident that everyone is doing fine by themselves. But the issue of lithium still plagues me. I keep coming back to it because something just does not feel right. It is preventing a certain joy. Preventing joy. Joy is so important, I believe. This is evidenced in that I am not thinking about art - my crafty pursuits. Anyhow, this will all come together and time will do its glorious job of permitting us to grow.
A.M. was a serious block and barrier. It is tough when someone, so dark, so lost, comes into your life and you have to almost immediately let them go. Truthfully, the period lasted over 6 months but to look back and see how truly demented, twisted, and bad that person really was makes me stop and think. A.M. had been a character in my life early on and so we grew up together. We grew together. But he is down a bad path and has to figure out the journey for himself. The key ingredient to me surmising that I had to break him off and separate (once again) was that I could not sleep while involved in that "relationship". And it did feel like a relationship. This troubles me too, as I am too old to be having such things. If I am to have a relationship, I want it to be with a positive female, and this is the path that I will be on for the rest of my life. Provided, however, that I do achieve independence and, as stated above, have my own happiness. I do not mean I want to rely on a female for my happiness, but, I also don't really (at this point - or perhaps forever) want to be involved in a close relationship (certainly not intimate - but that's what it felt like due to implied co-dependency) with a man. That is natural. I do have a friend who is male who I strongly look up to, and another who I consider chummy (both brothers), but the person (A.M.) "disapproved" because that individual suffers from addictions. The issue of addictions vs. mental health is interesting, because both are kind of challenges and present different types of experiences with dealing with someone. Overall, I think dealing with a person where "addictions" is an issue, vs. "mental health" feels probably bit more normal. Maybe it's because it's more common. But, it's also probably on a case-by-case basis.
I have truly found that TV is a great friend. I say "friend" almost jokingly but it is truly a comforting presence. I find TV to be very healthy and warm. I had gone so long without appreciating TV, but it is great. I think the great thing about TV is that you are not the only one watching it. You are plugged into a live network, an experience where thousands, hundreds of thousands, or even millions of people are sharing the same event. They are all watching the same thing as you at the same time. I find TV more satisfying than "streaming". Previously (as in through the past several decades) I had been into streaming, thinking that this was the better medium. But I am now, coming to see again, that TV is a warm, unique medium that really makes you feel good inside. I am stealing with idea from Scott, partially (a great man), whom I also grew up with. I was truly blessed to be surrounded by some great people in my youth (after separating from A.M. mostly) but that is part of the journey of life, and it is not impossible to find these types of people again. I am not sure, but it might be harder at this advanced age (because it seems so many people have started families of their own and are doing their own thing) but I'm sure if I stick around I can find people in similar life situations. Even the place where I live has people that I'm starting to think of as in my circle. There is one person, in particular, who really let me have it and told me point blank that she doesn't believe I "exist". Not in those exact words, but it was troubling,
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