The Waves of a Lifetime

 The year is 2026. Rewind twenty years and find me in a dorm room at my university, positioned for a new job at a prestigious company, and wrapping up one of my last semesters of my degree (paid for by my late Grandfather). Everything seemed fine. Faced with a decision, to room with a friend or acquaintance or move back home and exist within my family. I chose the latter.

I should have sensed the turbulence. I was a successful bachelor absorbed in a life of doing the bare minimum in school (and passing everything) and marathoning South Park (laughing a ton) and playing several computer games. I even beat Half-Life 2 on increasing difficulties. My point is, I had pretty much figured myself out. More than you can say for a lot of final-year students at university. I had figured out how to live, for the most part, except for the cooking. But even that I was passing at.

It was coming back to a family that is so toxic they make you want to run that was my mistake. It couldn't have gone worse. I started talking back to my father (big mistake) and that led to physical abuse and everyone in the family getting involved. It wound up with holes in the walls that I punctured with my feet and fists. I was fine when I was in my room, absorbed in an SNES rom or going out to see friends, but basically, my life was hell. I knew that I had my job to look forward to and was gearing up for that.

Pretty much the worst possible outcome happened that anyone could imagine. I wound up in the mental hospital. I hadn't slept for a while and came to see my mom. At the time I was struggling with my identity, wondering if I was a homosexual. I agreed (this was at 4 am) that I would seek some help and get some feed back on my life. 2 hours later and I was behind a curtain with security guard blocking my access to escape.

Leave aside the fact that I was wondering if I was gay (I think a lot of people go through this), but I was basically led into the psych ward and detained and medicated for 3.5 weeks against my will, with no one telling me when I was getting out.

For myself in particularly, getting thrown into an insane asylum is perhaps the most horrific experience imaginable. So, in the span of 6 months, I went from swinging bachelor to mental patient for life. I say "for life" because once you are put on these drugs, no matter how much you struggle, it is pretty much impossible to get off them. It's 20 years later, and I am still struggling. You could say, just accept it (and I try), but it is really hard to get a foot out of bed. When you're fat and impotent due to the meds, and nobody understands you outside of your mental health, it is very difficult to keep swallowing these damn pills.

But I have figured out something drastic. I am remember the man I was, the young man who slept through classes in his 4th year of university in his dorm room. Stay away. Stay far the fuck away from my family. Right now, that means my father. You cannot collide with these people without something terrible happening. That was just my fate, growing up in that household. A man grown now, several times over, I have to realize the poison that is them. Even if I am drawn by a desire to help him, I cannot go back to my father. I can re-enter the mind of the person that I was. And perhaps, there is even some hope of living a healthier life (perhaps with minimal medication - although this could take another decade).

"Little Miss Sunshine"

 I saw this movie in theatres when it came out, in 2006. I thought it was a decent movie at the time, and in recent days, I have purchased it on Amazon Prime Video. I saw it a couple more times. I have a feeling it's trying to be a comedy, but I barely laughed.

The most interesting character is Frank Ginsburg, who is the brother of the main female lead, who is gay and a well-known Proust scholar. He says some interesting things. I recall a conversation he has with Dwayne (the son) on a pier in California where he mentions that the years in which we suffer are also the years in which we grow. Apparently Marcel Proust had this realization at the end of his life, learning that he learned the most during his "worst" years.

Dwayne absorbs this wisdom. I appreciate that Frank shared it. I like almost all the characters in the movie. Richard, the father, shows enormous persistence in pursuing his dream of being a motivational speaker and author. I found it entertaining when he leaves the hotel at night to travel to Scottsdale to seek out Stan Grossman to find out once and for all what is happening with his "motivational career". The scene where Stan bursts Richard's bubble and tells him that his idea isn't going anywhere is a good one. Stan, played by Bryan Cranston, is so direct I found the encounter between the two characters quite satisfying.

The movie is full of memorable scenes and although it didn't quite achieve being a comedy, or making me laugh, it was good standing on its own laurels. I wish we had some sort of resolution after the final scenes at the beauty pageant, regarding Richard's bankruptcy or even Frank's situation regarding his homosexual crush or career. Nothing was really wrapped up in this regard - it seemed the purpose of the movie was to get Olive to Little Sunshine Sunshine and to end after this objective was over.

Overall, the movie was good enough to watch several times and keep me interested, and the continuity was good. I have been sick for the past week so I have needed something to keep me entertained while resting. For some reason I haven't been able to concentrate on reading that well with this cold, so a movie was a good substitute.

Books, new ideas

 I've read a series of books since the last post, and I have also been remiss in keeping up with regular blogging. I am on yet another new medication regimen (increased lithium) and I'm hoping this one will stick. I don't really feel like undergoing more future med changes, or tinkering with this cocktail any more. I can think, (even if I can't feel too well), and I should be satisfied with that.

I am, however, plagued with constant music in my head. And I mean 90% of the time (including while asleep) I have some form of repetitive tune going on in my mind. The mind is an interesting idea, because it is separate from the physical brain, but still a product of neurons and the various mechanics of brain science.

I would like to write a book at some point, but I think, for now, the medium I should be concerned with is blogging. I don't have a formulated idea for a book - for a novel - just yet. I am guided by my friend to just start writing and the idea will form. I like that notion, but, that is just like blogging. After all, I aim to make these posts just one idea after another.

I just have to stick to regular blogging and keep this thing going. Thanks for reading.

Father dumping

 It sickens me that my father likes to read. I don't want to be anything like him, but I'm fond of reading. So the only key is to distance myself from him and create a life apart from him. In "The 48 Laws of Power", it is mentioned that a man needs to separate from his father to achieve power and feel powerful. I will follow that advice, and leave the scumbag on block from now on. I'll maybe see him in a year from now.

It's not that I never got along with him, we used to be pals. Then he shoved me in 2006 three times, and I haven't been able to like him since. For me violence has always been a deal-breaker in any relationship. It goes both ways too, if I am violent to someone, it's a deal breaker for them. Same goes for violence coming my way.

The Wheel of Time

 Yesterday my copy of "The Eye of the World" arrived, and I have been enjoying it since. I saw a clip of a critic of the series saying the Robert Jordan was too verbose. His descriptions long, taking forever to get to action. But so far, I am finding the way he sets the scene and goes in depth into the characters he is describing to be all for the good. The Wheel of Time is a significant time investment at 14 long books, but I needed a world to dive into after having finished Martin's "A Song of Ice and Fire".

My plan was to read Shakespeare and some English history but I just found I craved the fantasy world and the journey of diving into and finishing a long fantasy saga. The Wheel of Time is a classic, and heavily reviewed on Goodreads besides, so I picked this one up.

So far I am having no trouble following the plot. The language and literary style seems easier than George R. R. Martin. There are some friends in a village who receive ill-tidings about the happenings in far off places. And right now they are just deciding what to do about it. Some new mystical terms are introduced but basically Jordan write to immerse the reader, with vivid descriptions interlaced with the narrative.

I'll have more to say about this series as time goes on, but I'm on day 2 and so far it is doing exactly what a good book should be doing - immersing me in the story and keeping my interest.

Substances, and med changes

 I have recently decided to try different substances. I was strictly against this behaviour for a long time, but have changed my tune slightly. The lucid clarity of total sobriety was enticing, but adjusting that pathology somewhat has made for some interesting twists and turns, as well as some pleasure here and there. I have sort of discovered that boredom makes people want to drink and use substances. I delt with my boredom in many ways before I have shifted into someone who drinks and uses other substances, but I don't really recall which lifestyle I prefer. I have the blog articles that I can go back and read as a way of probing into the past.

It seems the fate of myself, a mentally ill person, to undergo med changes from time to time. Lately I have been going through a pretty rigorous one, and I hope this will be the last for the foreseeable future. I have a new psychiatrist, which is something that I wanted because I had not had one following me for quite some time.

In any case, the goal of lithium is to provide a blood level that is therapeutic, so, this doctor is increasing this medication to get to that level. I will just say, I find that the mental repercussions of this are aggravating and alarming. I am just waiting it out until my body fully absorbs the new medication regimen and I am comfortable on the new dose. I have been working with this particular individual for several months now, and it has involved appointments and bloodwork, and taking a lot of pills at night.

The Next Chapter

 We all go through life like a leaf in the wind (thanks Forrest Gump), and we all have to recognize when a new chapter is starting and an old one closing. It takes strength to face that change, and to recognize that we too must change accordingly.

I used to be a spoiled kid, living in a dream world provided by my parents (or more specifically, my mom). I have graduated to adult, living in the mental health system and below the poverty line. At least I can somehow form my identity around blogging, which I enjoy.

But the thing is, I have escaped whatever life I had before and am embracing the new one. I have freed myself from servitude and the chains of being an adult child and now have something of a life in this new and strange system. I have been blessed to have someone navigate this life with me, and we can share our experiences.

I just don't relate to people outside of this life, the "normies" as they're sometimes somewhat derogatorily called. It has taken a while but I have been able to embrace my moments of solitude and cherished the moments when I'm with someone I like, love, or admire.

George R. R. Martin

 The author of "A Song of Ice and Fire" is certainly a genius writer. He gets to the bottom of humanity, the dark parts, like no other author I have read. I am a bit disillusioned with the fantasy genre, but his story is more about people than anything. A vast cast of characters and many, many secondary and tertiary characters contribute to his epic tale.

I don't know if I will leave a review for "A Dance with Dragons" but it is certainly shocking and perplexing me as I read through it, winding up the series. When I am lost while reading it, which happens sometimes, it is usually because of the multitude of characters, which I have trouble keeping track of. Also, there is a lot of dialogue.

It would be pointless for me to try to describe the story in a post because it is truly vast. To say that it is about power and the struggle of kings, queens, princes, and princesses would not even do it justice. I can just say that it is a tale of an imaginary place, where characters move through it and are subject to its precarious and treacherous laws. The series won't end after this book, but it is all George R. R. Martin has written so far.

Energy

 I had not started thinking in terms of energy (of people) until recently, when an acquaintance guided me in interpreting my neighbours' actions towards me in terms of the energy that I put out. I kind of like that. People have certain energies, and this can affect the way you feel and operate.

For three years, I was obsessed with the idea that I just didn't make a good first impression on the folks that live here, and that is why they were treating me in a cold fashion. It sounds silly, but I thought first impressions were everything, and permeated throughout the course of all relationships. When she mentioned that the energy is the same (as in other places), it got me thinking that perhaps it is I who determines the course of how I interact with people here. Whether I'm in this building, or one across the city, "the energy is the same."

That opened up how I feel and I actually started to relax a lot, taking in the physical beauty in which I am surrounded, and starting to view the people as having their own distinct, separate lives with their own challenges. My case manager (who I am now very disillusioned with) mentioned that I should get out and make friends in the neighbourhood. She also told me that I had put on weight. Well, her "bad" energy transferred onto me (sounds superstitious, and it probably is) and I am starting to feel claustrophobic in my environment again. She lacks an understanding of mental health and our challenges, and will not be returning to see me. I have fired her.

She was incapable and incompetent from the beginning, could hardly speak English (not her fault, of Indian origin), and kept calling me by the wrong name. I have very rarely been this disappointed in a mental health professional.

And so, energies flow through us, and can make an impression on how we feel. I have to keep in mind that "the energy is the same", and just try to enjoy my surroundings as much as possible.

Can't sleep

 It's 1:53 am and for the first time in years, I fear I will not sleep tonight. I have a decision to make, and that is whether or not to go to a psychiatry appointment in the morning. My gut tells me to stay away, because the inevitable outcome will be to be on more lithium. I am already on too much lithium for my body, and am feeling quite overloaded with the drug.

The theory goes like this: add as much lithium to the patient as possible until there is a therapeutic amount of the drug in their blood. Nominally, this works out to a value between 0.6 and 1.2. My lithium level, according to bloodwork, was low. Therefore, this doctor is going to increase it. Bottom line is, I don't feel I need more psychiatric treatment. I cannot say what a doctor would divulge on the subject, but I can speak in terms of my own personal needs. Therefore, I am at a crossroads and am not sure if I should go to this appointment. My gut is telling me no.

Atomic Habits by James Clear

I finished reading "Atomic Habits". 25 million copies of this book have been sold, according to Clear's website. I found the book relatively interesting, well-written, and even motivational at times.

I grow weary of certain self-help books that seem to glorify the author. Most of the time I find self-help books to be inspirational at best, but I don't look to them to come away with a profound shift in my motivation.

There were some good nuggets in this book and a few interesting ideas. The book centres around "habits" but it delves deeper into other things like psychology, the brain, and tools for achieving success in life. I don't think James Clear has all the answers but it appears to be a decent stab at helping a vast number of people. Going by its popularity alone, I would say that it is a worthwhile read.

Much of it is common sense, but Clear writes in such a way as to make certain mainstream tactics for achieving success palatable and easily-digested. I give this book 3.5/5 stars.

(My rating system for books is pretty harsh, I only give 5 stars for a perfect masterpieces, and most of my ratings are around 3 or 4 for an exceptionally good book.)

Maybe one day I'll link my Goodreads account for a more specific view of the books I read or am reading, and my ratings of them.

Poker, psychiatry, and the jews

 I woke up at 4:15 am today, briefly, and decided to have a brief foray into the world of online poker. I had sustained $50 for over a month earlier in the year, so I thought I would continue the practice. I lost two medium-sized hands and decided it wasn't for me, and withdrew the funds I had just deposited.

My conclusion: poker is a seedy world. It is not a world that I want to get caught up in. Sure, it is a kind of skill that involves critical thinking and mathematical reasoning. I am not morally, adamantly against poker on any ideological grounds. It's just not something that I want to make-up my identity.

I was reflecting on the world of psychiatry as well. Right now, I am a mental patient. In that, I am going through a med change and have a psychiatrist who is actively following me and overseeing the change. They are increasing one of my medications to bring it up to a therapeutic level, and hopefully getting me off another medication. If you have never gone through a med change like this before, suffice it to say it is not pleasant. The effects it has on your body can be substantial.

But my point about psychiatry is this: it's possible to get too wrapped up in it. I believe I may have crossed the line into guinea pig, whereby I have let too many psychiatrists work on me over the years. I can't seem to just admit things are fine. I get talking to a psychiatrist and they make me believe that my condition could be improved (always, irrevocably through medication adjustment).

I was even doing fine off medication (in 2023). I was not the most stable person, but I was finding meals to eat at homeless shelters or at drop-ins, and I was generally a pretty happy and contented guy. I have told this story in the past, but it was my mother and sister who ended up Form 2-ing me, based on some subjectively sketchy emails that I had sent around to my family.

I am not sure what to make of psychiatry. Perhaps it is helping me right now. But I think there are alternative paths that an individual can choose should they wish to experience life using their own strengths and weaknesses.

Hitler (and I admit I have very limited knowledge on the figure and have studied even less about World War 2) targeted the jews because they seemed out of place. In Germany, in the 1920's and 1930's, the Jewish people were a group who kept to themselves and appeared different. They had their own customs and practices and were sort of outsiders in society, in the sense that they did their own thing. Hitler capitalized on this to demonize them and use them as his tool for mass propaganda. It seems that dictators always need a group to target when rising in power. I want to read more about this.

I was reflecting on Jewish people because I was raised among them, and a certain individual came into my life and left it just as abruptly (for the second time in my life) within the past 2 years. Perhaps I shouldn't even comment, but there is an enigmatic quality to the Jewish people that mystifies me sometimes. It's best not to categorize people into groups and then critically analyze them, but perhaps there are commonalities among groups of people, mostly that are beyond my ability to comprehend or comment on.

Writing and Updates

 I have had several ideas for novels in the past several months, most of which have been born from dreams. I will just take a minute to update the reader, as there have been significant strides in my life. I have reviewed how I view my "living situation", and there has been progress in terms of positivity. Like many epiphanies, it is difficult to put into words then change in how I feel about my surroundings, but I will just say that I'm more comfortable.

I have not been blogging lately due to focusing on real life. Throughout the rest of the winter I spent a lot of time reading, and finished several books. I completed Lord of the Rings, 48 Laws of Power, and am trudging through A Song of Ice and Fire, to mention a few of them. I have had two people ask if they can read this blog, and I have mentioned that I do not feel comfortable sharing it. It is a work in progress and I don't know what it will be yet.

It's 4:08 am and I am blogging, meaning that I clearly have something to say, despite the wee hour. I woke up from a dream and my brain just switched on. The bipolar brain. It always seems to be working overtime.

I still have constant tunes and music blasting through my mind at all times. I can quiet the music down a little if I'm relaxed and can constructively use CBT to dodge getting caught up in it. I read a book called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" by Olivia Telford which was a quick, useful read. I am currently reading "Atomic Habits". I find self-help books to be rather inspiring, to be frank. In any case, my mind is going right now and I felt the need to simply update this blog.

I came to a conclusion that I need more "fun" in my life, so we will be going on certain adventures around the city. We came up with a few. Canada's Wonderland (my favourite), the AGO, an arcade/restaurant/bar venue, the movies (seeing "Michael" next week hopefully), the zoo, and others. I'm hoping that adding "fun" to my life, especially during the good weather, will make me feel sane and increase my enjoyment and lead to further well-roundedness.

I have blogged in the past about a certain person who was in my life again briefly, and who has phased out. A.M., I have concluded, was a good man and it would have been interesting, fun, and fruitful to go around with him for a while. But I closed that door and have a new person with whom I am sharing life. She is great at keeping me level-headed and on track, and is an avid reader herself, which thankfully, is rubbing off on me.

I have thought my blog too personal but as I've been reading it, I think it reads sort of well and is a kind of anonymous report on how things are going with me. I wouldn't mind getting a reader-base though. I am just not sure how one spreads around their blog.