Passive parenting, spoiled children

 In my case, my parents are passive parents. They do not get actively involved in "parenting", but always wait for one of their kids to come to them. It leads to very toxic children and mental health issues. They say my bipolar disorder is inherited, but I really don't think the environment in which I was brought up helped. I had a large support network as a teenager and so managed, but as I recall, my parents never made any effort to get involved in shaping me as a person.

I was curious about "Spare", Prince Harry's memoir, and I think there are some similarities between me and him. We both have mental health challenges (although mine are probably more severe) and we both have gripes against our family.

It is a process, getting used to the idea that you don't have a family. I can't deal with my two remaining family members as they are very bad for my health. There is also the issue of them ghosting me and then form 2-ing md and having me arrested.

Hopefully future blog-posts won't be as whiny, but for now, I am just writing what's on my mind.

Hemmingway, fathers

 I'm reading Hemmingway's "The Sun Also Rises" which is a good book. I was reflecting about father dynamics and although I think in my case my father does not love me, he has to be credited for putting on a good shows. He makes an effort to be responsible, and I do think I appreciate that.

It would be nice if both parents could be in love and both wanted to extend that love by creating a family, but in my case, once again, that didn't happen. My father never wanted children but always felt responsible for them, my mother on the other hand, wanted children pretty badly.

I suppose I am growing up in that I see my father for who is he is. A glorified "pal". Only problem is, he drinks so heavily and has kind of a disgruntled personality, to the point where I really can't stand him. I will try not to judge, for for all his faults, he has some redeeming qualities. He tries.

It's really a question of whether I can get my old health and mental health in order. I fucked up pretty badly by dropping out of school in my third year (incidentally, after reading Tolstoy's "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" which lead to having no money, and being a dependent of my parents into my 30's. I did try to emancipate and live on my own at 35, but I have since always felt the clinginess of a family that was probably too close, for too long.

I have nothing to do but live, try to enjoy life, and keep my health in check. I do believe it's important to see a doctor and follow their advice. There are some, like Gichin Funakoshi who can remain healthy without the help of a doctor, but it has been my fate to be thrown into the medical and mental health systems. There is no use holding onto anger at what happened to me, for my decisions were mine to make (albeit I was very young). I can go forward now and try to have substance.

My medication is lowered tonight slightly, so I will be observing the effects of that. I am feeling pretty energized from the conversation I just had with my father though. As an alcoholic, he transfers a lot of anxiety onto the unfortunate receiver of his conversation.

Success, subjective

 I have been defining success for the past 20 years as how much money you can make, and what kind of status you can achieve. In other words, I thought success was material. I have shifted my thinking recently to include personal life and peace of mind in my definition of success. I think someone who is centered and comfortable in their own shoes has achieved success. Why do people try to impress others through material success? This can lead to mental health challenges if the individual pushes too hard.

I am happy as long as I'm comfortable in my life, and that may mean not doing all that much. I am in the position where I can relax for as much as I want, and as I work through some of these issues, I can focus on my personal well-being. I do not want to be hard on myself and wish I had "achieved" more. Being at easy is what it's all about.

Latest alterations

 So for the 6th time, or therabouts, my olanzapine has oscillated back down to 5mg from 7.5. I am finding the constant music in my mind to be worrisome, but it seems like it's hear to stay. It only really goes away when I'm concentrating on something intently, i.e. watching a movie or reading. I am getting kind of fed up of all these medical adjustments and medications. It wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't music, but that's ok. I can still get by.

Reverse experience

 Usually the trajectory of one's life should be difficulties and being poor, leading to success and having more material wealth. But in my case, it was the opposite.

I grew up in a house, and I always had success and friends. I never wanted for much. After a certain point, I went out on my own but I couldn't hack it and ended up living the second half of my life in poverty.

Blame it on the mental illness, or perhaps there is something terribly wrong with the way I was raised. There should have been some sort of objective, some struggle within my child-hood that taught me to be motivated and succeed. I did push myself for a period, but my personal life suffered and I ended up in the psych ward. I'm not sure I can forgive my mother for driving me to the mental hospital at 4 am one day. On the other hand, I was 23, and a legal adult.

Mostly it was the decision to quit school in my 4th year and become a math teacher, an idea I had barely cultivated, that led to me missing out on the fruits of what I had worked and sacrificed for. But if you take the idea that I have this terrible ailment, a disease of the brain, then veering off on an alternate path in life, missing out on the joys of later adulthood (like a family or a car) could be rationalized.

I just don't like to think of myself as sick. Wallowing in the woes that belong to someone who is classified as "mentally ill" just, in my experience, makes the problem worse. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I don't know what I will tell her. I am not happy, and I'm not sure if the medication is working, but we have struggled to find a solution and it always seems elusive. There is something missing in my life, beyond medication, that I have to find. And living in poverty does not make it easier.