Hemmingway, fathers

 I'm reading Hemmingway's "The Sun Also Rises" which is a good book. I was reflecting about father dynamics and although I think in my case my father does not love me, he has to be credited for putting on a good shows. He makes an effort to be responsible, and I do think I appreciate that.

It would be nice if both parents could be in love and both wanted to extend that love by creating a family, but in my case, once again, that didn't happen. My father never wanted children but always felt responsible for them, my mother on the other hand, wanted children pretty badly.

I suppose I am growing up in that I see my father for who is he is. A glorified "pal". Only problem is, he drinks so heavily and has kind of a disgruntled personality, to the point where I really can't stand him. I will try not to judge, for for all his faults, he has some redeeming qualities. He tries.

It's really a question of whether I can get my old health and mental health in order. I fucked up pretty badly by dropping out of school in my third year (incidentally, after reading Tolstoy's "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" which lead to having no money, and being a dependent of my parents into my 30's. I did try to emancipate and live on my own at 35, but I have since always felt the clinginess of a family that was probably too close, for too long.

I have nothing to do but live, try to enjoy life, and keep my health in check. I do believe it's important to see a doctor and follow their advice. There are some, like Gichin Funakoshi who can remain healthy without the help of a doctor, but it has been my fate to be thrown into the medical and mental health systems. There is no use holding onto anger at what happened to me, for my decisions were mine to make (albeit I was very young). I can go forward now and try to have substance.

My medication is lowered tonight slightly, so I will be observing the effects of that. I am feeling pretty energized from the conversation I just had with my father though. As an alcoholic, he transfers a lot of anxiety onto the unfortunate receiver of his conversation.