George R. R. Martin

 The author of "A Song of Ice and Fire" is certainly a genius writer. He gets to the bottom of humanity, the dark parts, like no other author I have read. I am a bit disillusioned with the fantasy genre, but his story is more about people than anything. A vast cast of characters and many, many secondary and tertiary characters contribute to his epic tale.

I don't know if I will leave a review for "A Dance with Dragons" but it is certainly shocking and perplexing me as I read through it, winding up the series. When I am lost while reading it, which happens sometimes, it is usually because of the multitude of characters, which I have trouble keeping track of. Also, there is a lot of dialogue.

It would be pointless for me to try to describe the story in a post because it is truly vast. To say that it is about power and the struggle of kings, queens, princes, and princesses would not even do it justice. I can just say that it is a tale of an imaginary place, where characters move through it and are subject to its precarious and treacherous laws. The series won't end after this book, but it is all George R. R. Martin has written so far.

Energy

 I had not started thinking in terms of energy (of people) until recently, when an acquaintance guided me in interpreting my neighbours' actions towards me in terms of the energy that I put out. I kind of like that. People have certain energies, and this can affect the way you feel and operate.

For three years, I was obsessed with the idea that I just didn't make a good first impression on the folks that live here, and that is why they were treating me in a cold fashion. It sounds silly, but I thought first impressions were everything, and permeated throughout the course of all relationships. When she mentioned that the energy is the same (as in other places), it got me thinking that perhaps it is I who determines the course of how I interact with people here. Whether I'm in this building, or one across the city, "the energy is the same."

That opened up how I feel and I actually started to relax a lot, taking in the physical beauty in which I am surrounded, and starting to view the people as having their own distinct, separate lives with their own challenges. My case manager (who I am now very disillusioned with) mentioned that I should get out and make friends in the neighbourhood. She also told me that I had put on weight. Well, her "bad" energy transferred onto me (sounds superstitious, and it probably is) and I am starting to feel claustrophobic in my environment again. She lacks an understanding of mental health and our challenges, and will not be returning to see me. I have fired her.

She was incapable and incompetent from the beginning, could hardly speak English (not her fault, of Indian origin), and kept calling me by the wrong name. I have very rarely been this disappointed in a mental health professional.

And so, energies flow through us, and can make an impression on how we feel. I have to keep in mind that "the energy is the same", and just try to enjoy my surroundings as much as possible.

Can't sleep

 It's 1:53 am and for the first time in years, I fear I will not sleep tonight. I have a decision to make, and that is whether or not to go to a psychiatry appointment in the morning. My gut tells me to stay away, because the inevitable outcome will be to be on more lithium. I am already on too much lithium for my body, and am feeling quite overloaded with the drug.

The theory goes like this: add as much lithium to the patient as possible until there is a therapeutic amount of the drug in their blood. Nominally, this works out to a value between 0.6 and 1.2. My lithium level, according to bloodwork, was low. Therefore, this doctor is going to increase it. Bottom line is, I don't feel I need more psychiatric treatment. I cannot say what a doctor would divulge on the subject, but I can speak in terms of my own personal needs. Therefore, I am at a crossroads and am not sure if I should go to this appointment. My gut is telling me no.

Atomic Habits by James Clear

I finished reading "Atomic Habits". 25 million copies of this book have been sold, according to Clear's website. I found the book relatively interesting, well-written, and even motivational at times.

I grow weary of certain self-help books that seem to glorify the author. Most of the time I find self-help books to be inspirational at best, but I don't look to them to come away with a profound shift in my motivation.

There were some good nuggets in this book and a few interesting ideas. The book centres around "habits" but it delves deeper into other things like psychology, the brain, and tools for achieving success in life. I don't think James Clear has all the answers but it appears to be a decent stab at helping a vast number of people. Going by its popularity alone, I would say that it is a worthwhile read.

Much of it is common sense, but Clear writes in such a way as to make certain mainstream tactics for achieving success palatable and easily-digested. I give this book 3.5/5 stars.

(My rating system for books is pretty harsh, I only give 5 stars for a perfect masterpieces, and most of my ratings are around 3 or 4 for an exceptionally good book.)

Maybe one day I'll link my Goodreads account for a more specific view of the books I read or am reading, and my ratings of them.

Poker, psychiatry, and the jews

 I woke up at 4:15 am today, briefly, and decided to have a brief foray into the world of online poker. I had sustained $50 for over a month earlier in the year, so I thought I would continue the practice. I lost two medium-sized hands and decided it wasn't for me, and withdrew the funds I had just deposited.

My conclusion: poker is a seedy world. It is not a world that I want to get caught up in. Sure, it is a kind of skill that involves critical thinking and mathematical reasoning. I am not morally, adamantly against poker on any ideological grounds. It's just not something that I want to make-up my identity.

I was reflecting on the world of psychiatry as well. Right now, I am a mental patient. In that, I am going through a med change and have a psychiatrist who is actively following me and overseeing the change. They are increasing one of my medications to bring it up to a therapeutic level, and hopefully getting me off another medication. If you have never gone through a med change like this before, suffice it to say it is not pleasant. The effects it has on your body can be substantial.

But my point about psychiatry is this: it's possible to get too wrapped up in it. I believe I may have crossed the line into guinea pig, whereby I have let too many psychiatrists work on me over the years. I can't seem to just admit things are fine. I get talking to a psychiatrist and they make me believe that my condition could be improved (always, irrevocably through medication adjustment).

I was even doing fine off medication (in 2023). I was not the most stable person, but I was finding meals to eat at homeless shelters or at drop-ins, and I was generally a pretty happy and contented guy. I have told this story in the past, but it was my mother and sister who ended up Form 2-ing me, based on some subjectively sketchy emails that I had sent around to my family.

I am not sure what to make of psychiatry. Perhaps it is helping me right now. But I think there are alternative paths that an individual can choose should they wish to experience life using their own strengths and weaknesses.

Hitler (and I admit I have very limited knowledge on the figure and have studied even less about World War 2) targeted the jews because they seemed out of place. In Germany, in the 1920's and 1930's, the Jewish people were a group who kept to themselves and appeared different. They had their own customs and practices and were sort of outsiders in society, in the sense that they did their own thing. Hitler capitalized on this to demonize them and use them as his tool for mass propaganda. It seems that dictators always need a group to target when rising in power. I want to read more about this.

I was reflecting on Jewish people because I was raised among them, and a certain individual came into my life and left it just as abruptly (for the second time in my life) within the past 2 years. Perhaps I shouldn't even comment, but there is an enigmatic quality to the Jewish people that mystifies me sometimes. It's best not to categorize people into groups and then critically analyze them, but perhaps there are commonalities among groups of people, mostly that are beyond my ability to comprehend or comment on.

Writing and Updates

 I have had several ideas for novels in the past several months, most of which have been born from dreams. I will just take a minute to update the reader, as there have been significant strides in my life. I have reviewed how I view my "living situation", and there has been progress in terms of positivity. Like many epiphanies, it is difficult to put into words then change in how I feel about my surroundings, but I will just say that I'm more comfortable.

I have not been blogging lately due to focusing on real life. Throughout the rest of the winter I spent a lot of time reading, and finished several books. I completed Lord of the Rings, 48 Laws of Power, and am trudging through A Song of Ice and Fire, to mention a few of them. I have had two people ask if they can read this blog, and I have mentioned that I do not feel comfortable sharing it. It is a work in progress and I don't know what it will be yet.

It's 4:08 am and I am blogging, meaning that I clearly have something to say, despite the wee hour. I woke up from a dream and my brain just switched on. The bipolar brain. It always seems to be working overtime.

I still have constant tunes and music blasting through my mind at all times. I can quiet the music down a little if I'm relaxed and can constructively use CBT to dodge getting caught up in it. I read a book called "Cognitive Behavioral Therapy" by Olivia Telford which was a quick, useful read. I am currently reading "Atomic Habits". I find self-help books to be rather inspiring, to be frank. In any case, my mind is going right now and I felt the need to simply update this blog.

I came to a conclusion that I need more "fun" in my life, so we will be going on certain adventures around the city. We came up with a few. Canada's Wonderland (my favourite), the AGO, an arcade/restaurant/bar venue, the movies (seeing "Michael" next week hopefully), the zoo, and others. I'm hoping that adding "fun" to my life, especially during the good weather, will make me feel sane and increase my enjoyment and lead to further well-roundedness.

I have blogged in the past about a certain person who was in my life again briefly, and who has phased out. A.M., I have concluded, was a good man and it would have been interesting, fun, and fruitful to go around with him for a while. But I closed that door and have a new person with whom I am sharing life. She is great at keeping me level-headed and on track, and is an avid reader herself, which thankfully, is rubbing off on me.

I have thought my blog too personal but as I've been reading it, I think it reads sort of well and is a kind of anonymous report on how things are going with me. I wouldn't mind getting a reader-base though. I am just not sure how one spreads around their blog.