Homosexuality

 If there is one concept that scares me the most, it is the possibility that I may be a homosexual. This phenomenon could be classified as "homophobia". Because of the complex nature of sexuality, it is assumed, in social situations, when mentioning the word "gay", that you might be "gay". I have tried to talk about this problem that I have to people saying, I believe I might be gay. They will inevitably respond saying "are you?".

I have grown up loving women, having sexual fantasies about women, and continue to do so. Quite the opposite with men. But, there is a lingering fear, an obsession even, that I am "gay". When I am clearly not.

It sounds like a weird conversation to have, and perhaps one that may seem in appropriate. Its inappropriateness in a day where homophobia is persecuted is exactly what makes the problem so difficult, because, it should not be talked about.

I think it stems from when I was in my twenties and my aunt directly asked me, "maybe you're gay?". Well, I held her in high esteem. She got me thinking, for the first time in my life, well, how can that be? It did not seem like she accepted my response of "no, I'm not".

Sexuality is a deeply personal thing, and I myself don't even like talking about it. But, given the nature of this blog, I feel I can explore it. For a man, there is also a secrecy in the underground world of homosexual relations. There is clearly deep (ignorant) stigma against homosexuals, or gays. 

One time I wrote a small speech regarding the topic and I mentioned the "h" word and that speech was immediately revoked. I was not allowed to give it an the hours I had spent writing it were wasted. I had also practiced it.

I feel there is a seed of doubt within most men that makes them wonder, well, what if I am? Jerry Seinfeld said that is what causes homophobia. I feel for me, that seed of doubt has driven me to near, complete, and perhaps literal madness. I have done things that I am not proud of.

There is a difference between the genuine journey of uncovering your sexual preference, and an obsession with an idea that you might be. In the end, sexuality is about love, and whom you choose to love. I have blogged about pornography, and I consider this to be a rotten pass time, but one that is prevalent and also very addictive.

Having someone suggest my sexual preference for me was a shocking moment. It was as if she was prophesying some sort of transformation. Even as a reader reads this blog, they are probably assuming that I am a homosexual. I do not even like the euphemism "gay". for that word scares me the most. "Gay", used to mean happy or lighthearted, now, it is a sick way of saying someone is a homosexual.