Neighbours

 One would expect that living in public housing would provide challenges regarding the types of people one is thrown in with. There are two trains of thought that dominate my relationship to the people who share this building with me. One, is that they are truly atrocious people. The second, is that my perception of them is flawed and that they are decent folk.

I have a tendency to psycho-analyze my behaviours and actions too much. Perhaps that is the result of 18 years of being subjected to the mental health system and seeing psychiatrist after psychiatrist.

I will go with the following: I am surrounded by truly awful human beings. The building that I'm in is designated "mental health".

We have one person who never makes eye contact with everyone and who owns a little dog. He is in and out of his apartment constantly throughout the day. His name is Ken. He is an older man. What bothers me is that he has a crew of neighbours, and one neighbour from this building, with whom is constantly hangs out. I know that that they discuss the other neighbours amongst themselves and have formed quite the clique. Out of 15 people in this building, only two of them use the immensely large backyard. And they occupy the space with their "meetings" (as it has been called).

Never have I encountered such a toxic culture in an environment, or an environment in which I have fit in less. I have become quite solitary, which is odd, because for my entire life I have been a social creature. I am also younger than almost everyone in the building by a lot, but I'm not sure if that should factor into my immense dislike for the social environment that I find myself in day in, day out.

Beauty and dreams

 My dreams heavily influence the person that I am. Ever since I started hearing music, they have been a bit clouded and gloomy. Getting a good night's rest is one of the joys in life however.

I find I have the temperament of an artist. I look for beauty in the world. Sometimes this gets me into trouble with people as I conceptualize the perfect appearance, and of course, no one is perfect. I am reading "The Picture of Dorian Gray" right now. Oscar Wilde is a tremendous author.

I'll just mention briefly that I have started to hear music. I don't know if it's an adverse reaction of the drugs that I'm on, but I pretty much have music going on in my head all the time. I can deal with mood fluctuations but I do not know why I have this constant music. It is very frustrating. I am seeing my doctor in half an hour and I will mention it to her. Maybe she will medicate me more. I am apprehensive about the side effects of medication, but it seems to be my destiny to be medicated. Of course, I do have an underlying mental health condition, so this seems inevitable.

I have to not hold myself to the standards of "normal" people. People who don't have a similar condition. When I was frequenting Wireclub for all that time, I was trying to blend in with a very toxic online group that were relentless in putting me down. I have to be careful to easy on myself and not reprimand myself for not having more.

Thankfully I have a great friend in my life.

Alcoholism

 My father is a (self-proclaimed) alcoholic. I find this to be a terrible disease. I am taking care of my mental health, so I non-selfishly expect those close to me to be taking care of their issues. It causes me a great deal of anxiety to deal with alcoholics, for some reason that I have yet to figure out in my 41 years. Perhaps because they don't act rationally. If I had been raised by non-alcoholics, my life could have turned out differently. Sometimes I think my mental health struggles were exacerbated and compounded by dealing with two parents who (and they had the money to do so) drowned themselves in alcohol for 45 years.

Things are going pretty well with Hearthstone. I find Counterstrike 2 is a bit more tense and stressful. I played for a bit but that level of competitive esports kind of frustrates me. I may return to it but I doubt it.

I find the world of warcraft, and by that I mean Blizzard games that feature this world - such as Hearthstone - to be a safe and enjoyable world to play in. I like the stories that it tells.

I'm sure at some point soon I'll get World of Warcraft again but I am in no real rush. So far I am enjoying Heathstone immensely.

New computer

 I recently invested in a new computer. I find it fun to play different video games. Sometimes I wish I could have more fun. So far I have been playing Hearthstone, but I am downloading Counterstrike 2 as well. Before getting this computer, I had been doing a lot of reading, which was good. Recent developments have been such that my medication regime has changed drastically. I am on more and different meds than I was before.

A strange thing has happened. The earworms that have always been in my head are now more prominent, and I actually consider the constant music in my head to be somewhat of a symptom.

Being on my computer has helped avoid these musical intruders but I find their omnipresence to be more than a little annoying. Sometimes I just can't believe I'm only 41 and I have decades left of my life. I can see the future as being very repetitive.

Perhaps this computer will bring me back to what's more important, and that is enjoying life. Having fun is a major component to enjoying life, so I will try to aim for this.

I am eager to reduce my medication regime, a possibility if my doctor listens, but I am worried that the music might become even more prominent. This would be a great risk. There are some benefits to being on the medication, I am calmer and I don't freak out about people as much. But the physical side effects are debilitating.