Lamentations

 Fate made me end up where I am. I am completely reliant on medication and my life seems to revolve around it. I was an achiever early on, and in my 20's had set out a path that would make me very successful. The bumps that I experienced along the way, and coming back to a family that is highly toxic, which caused clashes, put a two decade pause in my life. I say pause, because, I feel like I am just coming out of this hole now. I still make the mistake of reaching out to my parent, who, is a truly despicable alcoholic and abusive person.

I see no recourse but to continue to ask my doctor to lower my medication, and try to enjoy my life. The side effects are brutal, but if truth be told, medication isn't inherently bad. It just disrupts your life. The constant music in my head is maddening, a phenomenon that started as soon as I re-started the olanzapine several months ago (I have lost track how long it's been).

All I can do is go day-to-day and try to live a peaceful life. I will not contact my father again.