The thing is

 I feel torn apart inside. I feel suck in a deadly, vicious trap of having to take 2 anti-psychotics and 2 mood stabilizers every day for the rest of my life. It does not feel right. It feels artificial somehow, and this all started in 2007 when my mother drove me to the psych ward because I was complaining about some anxiety. They kept in me in the ward for 3.5 months and put me on these drugs.

Now, 18 years later, I still haven't worked (I lost my job), I have no friends, my family are assholes and so I am estranged from them, and I have very little going for me. Psychiatry is awful. According to Tom Cruise, it should "be outlawed". It ruins lives. My cousin killed himself after having gone through a similar thing to me.

If you had asked me what is the worst thing that could happen to you, what are you most afraid of, back when I was a child, I would have said getting locked up in a mental institution. My stupid bitch mom made that a reality.

I've come to realize though the problem is just that I have shit parents. Bad luck of the draw.

But what do I do about that? How do I take ownership for my own life and move forward? The only victory I can see for myself is to somehow get off these drugs. I was thinking of reading Laura Delano's book as inspiration. Of course one of the supremely annoying side effects that I have of these drugs is I have music in my head all the time.

I can't live the rest of my life on all of these "medications". It just will not lead to a happy life. I'm pretty much stuck, though.