Psychiatrist

 Every 1.5 months or so I see a psychiatrist (who is the consult) for my bipolar disorder. We are trying to get my meds together so that I get maximum benefit and bearable side effects. I am pushing for a particular cocktail, one that was my staple, or bread and butter, for a long time before I got sick and had my med-free episode in 2023. We are gradually working our way towards that, and some changes were made with that end in mind.

It's a shame that there is so much stigma around bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. We, who suffer with the illness, should be free to talk about it at length with anyone and not fear judgment, repercussions, or stigma. The stigma is so real, it prevents some people with the illness from getting the help they need, because they feel shame. I myself am very careful who I open up to about my illness, which is a huge downside to actually having it.

It's like I lead a double life. One with my psychiatrist where we talk openly about my symptoms and experiences, and the life that's for show - the visage that I have to put on just to survive day-to-day amongst people who at worse don't even recognize that you have anything wrong with you. I am referring to the neighbours here and the various people of the neighbourhood - people that I see daily.

It's a tricky, thin line because on the one hand, one doesn't want to associate too closely with their illness and make it their life (they want it to be one factor of themselves only), but on the other hand, one cannot all but hide the fact that they have a very debilitating illness. I've seen people who were mentally ill who were proud of their illness and who mention it to anyone, and I've heard of people who were victims of their illness and died. I myself, sometimes forget that I have this illness, as during my episode in 2023 I convinced myself 100% that I was "normal", and sometimes suffer as a result. I don't go around broadcasting my illness to everyone because A) they know so little and B) I'm sort of convinced now that they really don't care.