More Ramblings

 How do you get someone out of your life? Especially if they are someone from your early childhood.

I tried using mental imagery to remove them from my mind. I pictured a pristine white cube (my unit) and a black seeping tar that infiltrated its sanctity. I tried to remove this tar but it was hard to get out. After making a lot of progress through this visualization I finally bumped into the person right around the corner from where I lived.

Back then it was simpler times. l was knitting I had my friend, I was reading, I was a lot thinner, I wasn't on so many medications. I was interacting with people a lot more. Even my bail supervisor mentioned that I was looking a lot worse. I don't know what I'll do but start the long process of recovery.

Life is all about learning and I have learned a key piece if wisdom from all of this: don't trust doctors. And also, sometimes shitty things happen like having this person enter my life which has been very traumatic. He is a beast of person, very persistent, and honestly someone I had hoped to just keep in my past. I am not sure how long it will take to get past this. Maybe years, maybe never. I have to try though.

A lot of bad things have happened to me ever since A.M. entered my life. My TV got smashed, I went into the nuthouse, I rearranged my apartment. A lot of this mental turmoil is due to the fact that I do live in an asylum, but be that as it may, I can look out and feel the way I feel.

It is 4:07 AM and I am looking forward to morning. It always gets a bit frantic this time of night, before the dawn, for some reason. "It's always darkest before the dawn" is a saying that sort of applies to my life. Each evening is long. I can usually get some rest as dawn approaches though. I used to really appreciate the R.E.M. sleep that I would get going into dawn. Lately I don't know if I have been getting any. It is something that I miss.

I also miss coffee. And cigarettes (although my lungs really can't handle them), I miss alcohol to a certain extent. Or perhaps it is just the feeling of having the option to consume alcohol. A glass of wine here or there, or a beer. I sort of reached a point where I did not need it in my life but I liked having the option of having a drink. With all the drugs I'm on it is very hard to have that kind of normal life any more.

I have to persist.