Outlet

 It's 4:23 am. I am awake. I am just thinking how important it is to have a creative outlet. The Lithium, Paliperidone, and other drugs have created a sort of mental blank in my mind. When I close my eyes, all I see is a white fog. It's like there is white fog (the lithium) in front of a white wall (the Paliperidone). Before, when there was no lithium, it was just a white wall, but I was still able to visualize and imagine - I could see a calm blue ocean if I wanted to. I could have done art.

I was knitting, I was even painting. I was happier. I even had a 55" TV, a recliner, and my apartment was laid out better.

Granted, I did kind of have to rearrange my room/unit because the air conditioner had broken and the guy came with a new one. There was no room for it, because it was a floor model, so the bed had to move to the living room.

I am concerned about coming off the Lithium. Ultimately, I have to believe that the brain is a resilient organ and the body can recover after Lithium. I have only been on lithium for roughly 3 months so I think I should adjust. l have to be really patient with myself and rest a lot, drink a lot of water, eat meals, and just recognize that biologically, I am still on other drugs that could be treating my diagnosis. Additionally, I have to remember that I had been on Lithium for years before, went off it, and managed to basically survive. I didn't want to kill myself back then, in fact, I was happy. I walked around with a bounce in my step and was in a general good mood. I had friends, relationships, and had some very interesting conversations with people. No one accused me of being crazy. I have to remember that there is hope. I can seek support from different channels too. Psychiatry isn't the only answer.