Doing things yourself

 It's important to remember, as an adult, that most of the time we got to where we are by ourselves. In my case, beyond the age of 18, I got very few handouts or opportunities from my parents. Most of what I have achieved today came from my own diligent work and planning. I made some serious mistakes in the past, most notably trying to compete with my father (in terms of my own development as an adult outside my family), but it is good to remember that what I have achieved, where I'm at, I did by myself.

As a mature, middle-aged male, I am doing pretty well. I have my whole life ahead of me, well, at least a good chunk, provided I stay healthy.

Scarin' Aaron was a bit of a set-back, I did not foresee the destructive influence that that individual would have on my life, and was overwhelmed both by greed of his riches and partially-real, partially-feigned sentimentality for a past we shared (we grew up together largely). Cutting him off was on the advice of my father, but also my own instinct as I did not see our relationship going down a good road together.

Part of my wants to call him and see where it would lead but I really feel fleeing and admitting that nothing good will come is the better course. He is in a very powerful family and I feel dwarfed by that, I feel he has not grown up and his true loyalties lie to his mother, etc. I cannot have someone like that in my life. Unfortunately, I am stuck with the traumatic nightmare of his obsessively contacting me for the 8 month period we were in touch.

Owing to your parents is not generally a good feeling - not one that should be indulged. They raised you, in some cases did the bare minimum, and after that into your adulthood, you were on your own. I have to think about how to get as healthy as possible. I seem to be reliant on medication, which, if my diagnosis of bipolar disorder is to be believed, I need. I have noticed that I am basically happy although I do feel in a trance much of the time. It's as if dreaming and waking are the same thing - the same feeling.

I would like to get things back like my physical power, and minimize side-effects, but the risk of missing out on sleep or going "psychotic" (I am still not entirely sure what this term means, or if it is always a detrimental state - I am no doctor) is too great. I can find other things in life to focus on besides sex, which was a main motivator for so long.

In any case, I cannot stress enough that we do not owe our parents. I should have figured this out long ago, but I am not learning that there is no obligation to them, no reason to indulge them or even keep them in our lives. We have to live our own lives for ourselves.