Returning to an abusive relationship

 I've mentioned in so many blog posts before that I have an alcoholic father. I also have a mental health condition myself. Breaking ties with the person has been difficult, as one would imagine, him being my father. I know that when I'm not doing well, when the stress levels become too much, the noises in my head get worse.

I have to foster an environment of peace. This is why I chose to block my father on the telephone. It is a difficult decision because he is very temperamental and could retaliate with some abusive emails or messages. Or, I could relapse and call him again, which runs the risk of either him ignoring me due to spite or starting up a relationship with an alcoholic that is very traumatic and abusive. There is also a history of abuse in our relationship going back to a very early age for me.

One thing that my father has threatened, time and time again, is to cut me out of his will. I have to learn that a life lived for money is not worth it, so, I have to realize that I may not qualify for his "inheritance" (which is really just my mother's family's money that he essentially stole upon marrying her and has lived on for most of his life). It's not fair that he is spending the family's money, every last cent if he can, before dying. A true father or a true parent would wish the best for their kids, wanting to pass on an inheritance that has been in the family for generations. He is truly a piece of shit, now that I think about it.

I've heard through the grapevine about people who have been trapped in abusive relationships, not able to leave. Dollars to donuts, alcohol is usually involved in such situations. If this notion is true, then I really don't want to fall victim to this. I am lucky to have escaped with my hide, and be in a situation (especially given my precarious health) where I do not technically have to rely on him.

The very sound of his voice in a message, or the thought of him, scares the shit out of me. I was afraid of my mother too, before she passed. It was commented by a friend of mine, some time ago, that my parents are both assholes.

I have to accept this fact, but also accept that I have mental health condition, as this has been diagnosed by doctors and confirmed by them time and time again. Plus, I trust my current doctor who is providing me (what I think is pretty good) health care for it. I will strive to get the life that I want. Even if this means letting go of whatever money is supposed to be there for me at some point when Howard passes.