Feeling flat - the music

 The music in my head is all-encompassing. It's like an unwanted soundtrack that is there constantly. I consider it malpractice for a doctor to have prescribed me these meds, which have caused the incessant tones.

My mood dropped yesterday after my phone call, it is still low. I do not like this combination of medication, and I have a feeling it is the lithium that is causing me pain. I have an appointment on Wednesday, whereby I will try to address the music and come up with some semblance of a plan for making me feel better. I don't know if the answer is dropping medication, or adding. My physician is not a psychiatrist, so I don't even think she'll know what to do.

I could handle the isolation, the mood swings, the flatness, and the side effects, but it is just torture to have to have this music along with it.

My mood will be better soon and I will be able to lift my spirits again. It is really a matter of getting away from my birth family and recognizing that the agonizing child abuse, hallmark of the environment in which I was raised, does not have to be the norm. I can grow up and be my own person.

Strength

 I have to protect my being, but not talking to abusive family members. My father abuses alcohol and is in turn abusive to others. I went 2 weeks without talking to him, which is a recent record of mine. Now I will try for 1 month.

I sometimes worry that he will not leave me anything in the will, which would be heretical given I was always promised it by my mother growing up. He has outlived her and is now spending it on himself, to the best of his ability.

When my mood tanks, after calling him, I wonder what is it all for. I struggle with daily music intruding on my thoughts and when my mood tanks like this I just want to end it all. I say that with a grain of salt because over the last two weeks I have improved in mood and have not been wanting to end it. Every day has been a decent day in the sense that I have felt positive.

I have blocked my father once again, and my sister too, whom I have barely seen in years. I kind of lump them together when I think of my toxic family.

If I didn't have the music going in my head all the time and it was just my mood fluctuations that I had to deal with, I would be better off. But I always have music. It is very often the last piece of music I have heard, or, whatever song my mind thinks of. I have very few thoughts, the medications have eradicated them.

After stopping medications in 2023, I was doing ok without them, basically. I did not need my sister and family to get together and form 2 me after having had me arrested. If they had not done that, and minded their own business, I would be thinner today and not riddle with constant music. I am on four psychotrophic medications and let me say, to me, it is not fun.

I have graduated beyond video games and spend a lot of time in a text-based world and also reading.

New update

 Haven't posted in a while. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am sick - mentally. "Mentally ill" as some may call it. I have thought about reclaiming the term "crazy" sometimes, as this seems to be the way the lowest common denominator of the world think of us.

The music in my head is bad. I wake up every morning with it pounding, throbbing even. Sometimes it even wakes me up. The only antidote that seems to work is reading, as it quiets my mind. But when I'm doing stuff, I'm usually doing it with music in my head. I tried wearing ear plugs last night and it sort of helped.

I am a bit distraught that I will have this condition for the rest of my life. I am young, so many, many years of having to battle the music is not an enticing proposition. But also, for the first time in a while, I am feeling hopefully. I actually sometimes think to myself that life is enjoyable, or at least not worth ending. It's a slow progression, and I am still healing from the months that I was not on medication. I am paying for the mishap with the music now, which could be described as torturous sometimes.

I spend many days within my apartment, which is awesome. I have changed the layout to make it sort of how I like it. There seems to be enough space now and it is a quiet, safe space for me. It is rather small, though. I am going to the clubhouse from time to time, which gets me out and gives me a sense of limited social belonging, to a degree. The place feels like a psych ward though, which I don't like. Maybe that feeling will shift as I start to feel better and more "stable".

Family relationships - I am hoping to rekindle some of them as time goes on. I can't really rush it, but there has been interest from my immediate family in restarting a relationship. That would be ok, I am starting to trust again, slowly, although my mood drops quickly in certain situations so I can't be too sure this will work out.

I am going for sushi today, which should be good. I am hungry, and plan on eating a lot. My best friend and de facto lifemate is coming with, so we should have a decent time. I will bring my book.