New update

 Haven't posted in a while. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am sick - mentally. "Mentally ill" as some may call it. I have thought about reclaiming the term "crazy" sometimes, as this seems to be the way the lowest common denominator of the world think of us.

The music in my head is bad. I wake up every morning with it pounding, throbbing even. Sometimes it even wakes me up. The only antidote that seems to work is reading, as it quiets my mind. But when I'm doing stuff, I'm usually doing it with music in my head. I tried wearing ear plugs last night and it sort of helped.

I am a bit distraught that I will have this condition for the rest of my life. I am young, so many, many years of having to battle the music is not an enticing proposition. But also, for the first time in a while, I am feeling hopefully. I actually sometimes think to myself that life is enjoyable, or at least not worth ending. It's a slow progression, and I am still healing from the months that I was not on medication. I am paying for the mishap with the music now, which could be described as torturous sometimes.

I spend many days within my apartment, which is awesome. I have changed the layout to make it sort of how I like it. There seems to be enough space now and it is a quiet, safe space for me. It is rather small, though. I am going to the clubhouse from time to time, which gets me out and gives me a sense of limited social belonging, to a degree. The place feels like a psych ward though, which I don't like. Maybe that feeling will shift as I start to feel better and more "stable".

Family relationships - I am hoping to rekindle some of them as time goes on. I can't really rush it, but there has been interest from my immediate family in restarting a relationship. That would be ok, I am starting to trust again, slowly, although my mood drops quickly in certain situations so I can't be too sure this will work out.

I am going for sushi today, which should be good. I am hungry, and plan on eating a lot. My best friend and de facto lifemate is coming with, so we should have a decent time. I will bring my book.