Strength

 I have to protect my being, but not talking to abusive family members. My father abuses alcohol and is in turn abusive to others. I went 2 weeks without talking to him, which is a recent record of mine. Now I will try for 1 month.

I sometimes worry that he will not leave me anything in the will, which would be heretical given I was always promised it by my mother growing up. He has outlived her and is now spending it on himself, to the best of his ability.

When my mood tanks, after calling him, I wonder what is it all for. I struggle with daily music intruding on my thoughts and when my mood tanks like this I just want to end it all. I say that with a grain of salt because over the last two weeks I have improved in mood and have not been wanting to end it. Every day has been a decent day in the sense that I have felt positive.

I have blocked my father once again, and my sister too, whom I have barely seen in years. I kind of lump them together when I think of my toxic family.

If I didn't have the music going in my head all the time and it was just my mood fluctuations that I had to deal with, I would be better off. But I always have music. It is very often the last piece of music I have heard, or, whatever song my mind thinks of. I have very few thoughts, the medications have eradicated them.

After stopping medications in 2023, I was doing ok without them, basically. I did not need my sister and family to get together and form 2 me after having had me arrested. If they had not done that, and minded their own business, I would be thinner today and not riddle with constant music. I am on four psychotrophic medications and let me say, to me, it is not fun.

I have graduated beyond video games and spend a lot of time in a text-based world and also reading.