First impressions

It's not impossible to recover from a bad first impression, but it's hard. I find when entering a new community, it's important to be on one's guard and make a good first impression with everyone in that community. But this is not always possible. If the community is very close-knit and long-lasting, perhaps they don't give you the time of day. But perseverance and focusing on one's interests will eventually gain you respect within that community.

When I entered my grade 7 community, I was in a bad frame of mind. I don't know if I made bad first impressions on everyone or if I just didn't care. Eventually, I found friends and made my own way. What followed was a very long stretch of having friends and being relatively stable. It's not that I think having friends is the most important thing in the world, but I am just concerned with survival (basic) within a community. 

When I entered the community that I'm in now, I followed bad advice, that advice was to ignore my neighbours and not deal with them, for they are weird or bad people. This advice was given to me by my father (whom I don't think highly of). l have noticed a trend in my life that every time I follow his advice or seek his approval, bad things happen.

Anyway, you can surmount a bad first impression or negative entry into a community by focusing on your own hobbies and interests, and distracting yourself from people, until eventually they come around. My hope is that one's own perceptions of a place or community can shift from the first impression they made on you, upon entry.

Independence

 One must achieve independence. When I separated from my parents, I had reached a certain degree of this. When my fucked up family decided to form 2 me twice, they made a really dick move and then they ghosted me. They are hardcore. Terrible people.

Since I achieved my independence, I feel like I earned a certain degree of freedom. Then I met someone who pulled me into a relationship where I feel health is most important. But really, in general, people don't want you to be free.

Every time I speak to my father, who is an alcoholic, (his exact words - I am an alcoholic), I feel a tingling sensation in my wrists. He is an awful human being. He is also a bigot and quite hateful. He has hate for people of certain groups.

Yes, he is a piece of shit.

I will focus less on people and more on doing my own thing, which is reading and other activities.

Zombies

 Playing Call of Duty: Black Ops 6 is a fun pass-time. The rounds go on and on and it really wears on your stamina, but, when you destroy thousands of zombies, there is a certain satisfaction. Your weapon levels up and as you get upgrades throughout the match, you become ever-more powerful. I started playing with a friend of mine who has years of experience.

Health is important, but it is not the most important thing. Happiness is important too. The medication that I'm on (lithium) makes my brain healthy but it leaves a certain void within me. And of course, there are physical side effects to taking medication. Unfortunately I do not have a psychiatrist to help me through the problem of balancing out meds, so I feel I need to take matters into my own hands. But this is a risky game, health-wise. To simply lower my meds on my own is dangerous. I do have the advice of a family doctor though to go on.

I was recently banned from rollercoasterroom which is a peer support chatroom for people with mental illnesses. I feel I did not get a fair trial but it is the nature of that room that people who "offend" get removed almost immediately by the owner. I have found a similar chatroom at healthfulchat.net which could be a good alternative. I am not really into chatting any more after these experiences, but sometimes it is good to have it up in the background.

God

 Most people that I have met have acknowledged that religion, in some way, affects their life. A common theme with people in recovery or battling some sort of challenge, be it social or health-related, is belief in a higher power. I have often thought that this kind of way of thinking is foolish, and I have been fortunate to have been with intelligent people who don't subscribe to this way of life, but I have in recent times revised my thinking somewhat. Psychologically, I think mankind or humans have a need to look up to a "higher power". This could stem from childhood, when we look up to our parents.

Faith, as it is called, can play a role in life. I strive to not subscribe to faith, especially in a higher power, for choosing to focus on objective pursuits like a life dedicated to pursuing knowledge or reading is more honest and satisfying, but I can't deny the role of beliefs in getting us through challenging circumstances.

Overall, the ability to reason and think is more important than simply "blind faith". Again, this is a personal topic that perhaps will trigger some readers, but getting along with people could require some sort of faith. My mother would talk about "the universe". For many it is God. I got through the first four books of the bible (Genesis, Exodus, Deuteronomy, and Numbers - as I believe they are) and they influenced me. Because the bible is an important book in human culture and history, I may return to reading it (for now, I am enjoying Tolstoy). The bible maps out a way of looking at Christian and Hebrew traditions involving religious views on God and key figures.

I think that not only support circle but a belief in a higher power can be one way of coping with people, who are extremely difficult to be around - especially as we age. Having one or two people, though, that truly count in your life - vs. a multitude of people as is the case with lives that involve dependents or clients (or colleagues), is a good way to live. Choosing those that reason and seek knowledge to be involved in your life might alleviate the need for the common belief in a higher power. But we can not all be so fortunate. 

Homosexuality

 If there is one concept that scares me the most, it is the possibility that I may be a homosexual. This phenomenon could be classified as "homophobia". Because of the complex nature of sexuality, it is assumed, in social situations, when mentioning the word "gay", that you might be "gay". I have tried to talk about this problem that I have to people saying, I believe I might be gay. They will inevitably respond saying "are you?".

I have grown up loving women, having sexual fantasies about women, and continue to do so. Quite the opposite with men. But, there is a lingering fear, an obsession even, that I am "gay". When I am clearly not.

It sounds like a weird conversation to have, and perhaps one that may seem in appropriate. Its inappropriateness in a day where homophobia is persecuted is exactly what makes the problem so difficult, because, it should not be talked about.

I think it stems from when I was in my twenties and my aunt directly asked me, "maybe you're gay?". Well, I held her in high esteem. She got me thinking, for the first time in my life, well, how can that be? It did not seem like she accepted my response of "no, I'm not".

Sexuality is a deeply personal thing, and I myself don't even like talking about it. But, given the nature of this blog, I feel I can explore it. For a man, there is also a secrecy in the underground world of homosexual relations. There is clearly deep (ignorant) stigma against homosexuals, or gays. 

One time I wrote a small speech regarding the topic and I mentioned the "h" word and that speech was immediately revoked. I was not allowed to give it an the hours I had spent writing it were wasted. I had also practiced it.

I feel there is a seed of doubt within most men that makes them wonder, well, what if I am? Jerry Seinfeld said that is what causes homophobia. I feel for me, that seed of doubt has driven me to near, complete, and perhaps literal madness. I have done things that I am not proud of.

There is a difference between the genuine journey of uncovering your sexual preference, and an obsession with an idea that you might be. In the end, sexuality is about love, and whom you choose to love. I have blogged about pornography, and I consider this to be a rotten pass time, but one that is prevalent and also very addictive.

Having someone suggest my sexual preference for me was a shocking moment. It was as if she was prophesying some sort of transformation. Even as a reader reads this blog, they are probably assuming that I am a homosexual. I do not even like the euphemism "gay". for that word scares me the most. "Gay", used to mean happy or lighthearted, now, it is a sick way of saying someone is a homosexual.

Seeing media through a lense

 People have a tendency to appreciate media as it is, however, we have to remember that "real life" is different from the medium we are experiencing. If there is a video, we are seeing a highly edited version of an experience. The term "real life" is used on the internet now to denote an alternate type of experience. I have noticed that a lot of young people (not all) live on social media. Their avatar is perhaps another version of themselves. But separating the medium from the message (or as Marshall McCluhan said, "the medium is the message") is essential for keeping track of the truth.

Democracy

 I value and treasure democracy. I don't like autocratic rule. I like situations where the people are in charge, where everyone has a right to expression and key decisions aren't made by one person. It's why I feel ill-at ease with the incumbent-president.

Recently I fell under the tyrannical leadership of a chatroom leader who did not give me a fair trial. She is actually kind of toxic and poisonous, and it shows in the dynamics of the people in the chatroom. Canada is a democratic country and I really appreciate that.

I would like to learn more about the foundations of democracy by reading some texts. I'm sure the ancient Greeks, who came up with democracy (I believe) have some interesting documents. I know Plato wrote "The Republic", or some such book, so I will be looking into that.

Youth

 As I enter mid-life, I am learning that perhaps the most precious resource is youth. We have to understand that with youth, we can accomplish more. As time slips away we have less youth to rely upon. I am learning that youth can be a weapon when dealing with those who are older and more imposing than you. It is important not to let those with less youth than you run your life, and to embrace the power of your youth in order to accomplish what you want out of life. 

I find that when we are truly young, we don't appreciate this youth. The trick is to embrace it at a certain point where we can still love it. When I was a young, I wanted to be old and experienced, now, as I have some of that, I think of the power of youth and how I still have some of it. We will always have some youth (until we pass) and to use the youth we have to leverage our relationships and appreciate our own beauty, is a good trick that will make aging more palatable.

Lying

 "These rules determined unequivocally that one must pay a card-sharper but need not pay a tailor, that one must not lie to men, but to women one may; that one must never deceive anyone, but a husband one may; that a insult can never be pardoned,but one may insult others, and so on."

This passage from Anna Karenina, part 3 I believe, outlines a code of conduct for Vronsky. It's interesting that lying is acceptable to the opposite sex but not to men. I try to live by the guidelines of never lying. But in discussing matters with women, it is sometimes hard not to lie, so I can sort of see what Tolstoy means here.

I think with women (and of course generalizations are bad), I at least try to be emotionally sincere. Strict, logical truth sometimes slips in social situations with women, you can have honest intentions, and that is often enough. I look forward to reading more about Tolstoy has to say philosophically about the human condition. But I am mainly reading Anna Karenina because it is just a great book, in scope and depth of human understanding (especially regarding "love").

One part that I'm finding fascinating is Alexey's (Anna's husband) jealousy is like a dark vice that he is trying not to succumb to, but failing. It seems as though is immense jealousy is preventing happiness for all parties except himself. And of course the child is going to be heavily wounded by this (perhaps emotionally). Tolstoy doesn't have much to say about children in this novel.

Aging

 If you stop and ask, why can't time simply stay still? Why can't we live in a consistent, happy time? The answer is because our bodies are aging. Things never stay the same. They say, the "only constant is change". We cannot live the same person forever. But consistency is important too. The types of people we let into our lives will partly determine how we can remain consistent. Some people are in a state of flux all the time, changing. Others remain the same. I strive to be one of the people who is consistent and remains the same.

Family grudges

 I've thought that it is no use holding grudges. The thing about grudge holding, is it deteriorates relationships and causes resentment. But, I wouldn't know how it feels to hold a grudge because I never really have. Violence is a big deal breaker for me though.

When I think about not holding a grudge, I think about seeing things from the other person's perspective. I generally assume goodness in people, and people make mistakes. Many people hold grudges though, and I don't really know what to think of them. What kind of hell are they living in? It must hurt to keep track of people who are on your "enemies" list. I would rather choose peace of mind.

My family is not perfect, but we are all people and we all have good qualities and bad qualities. Everyone makes mistakes. One important element is communication, and if we can talk about how we messed up, that is good. Unfortunately alcohol is a big part of my family's life and that causes tons of problems due to memory loss, etc.

In general though, it is best to avoid holding grudges and choose peace of mind. Let relationships naturally develop. 

Drugs (more)

 I have sort of come to the conclusion that drugs are bad. I do not want to take lithium. And I think I will scale back. Additionally, my stupid idiot father gave me some photographs of when I was a child. It just brought back traumatic memories. This blog is turning more into a personal account of my life than esoteric ideas, which is kind of what I had wanted.

I am a third through Anna Karenina. I am sitting here listening to Christmas tunes. Anna Karenina is a good book, but it is dense. I feel like a child again. And that is not a good thing, in my case.

Family members

 The close bonds of family can pose problems. It came to light that my sister, as instructed by my parents (I believe), had reported me for uttering threats to the police. My father, let it slip tonight, as he was pounding wine, that she even showed an email that I sent to the police.

As far as I'm concerned, I have to give up on a relationship with my sister and father. For some time now, I have been the only one making effort. And their attitude towards mentally ill people is appalling.

It's okay because I am a grown adult, but somehow, somewhere, karma will bite them for how they have treated me. I am not perfect and I have made the mistakes, but reporting fake threats to the police and having your twin brother taken into custody is a serious crime against blood, But it doesn't matter because they had ignored me for months and let me starve anyways prior to that incident. Not to mention the countless Form 2's. All this from a father who has been violent to me in the past, and who I did not report his violence to my mom to the cops for, because I don't do that.

Sorry for spilling my information here and venting, but as part of this blog, I like to have a record of important events in my life. And as it turns out, I will never see my sister again, from my father's own mouth.