Grooming

 If one were to have a child, it's not really responsible to groom that child to be your friend. Unfortunately, I grew up in a family where my father had no friends and thereby relied on his children (me especially) to be his friend. I remember this put enormous pressure on me as a child, to please my father and to make my own friends. I grew up hating him, and eventually, he lashed out at my physically and I retaliated. The result was I ended up in a psych ward.

Through sheer luck and the benevolence of the country in which I lived, I ended up independent and in control of my life, and happy, at my current age. I feel like I can do as I please, but the grooming that occurred through out my life, vis-a-vis my father, causes me stress to this day. He is still alive, and I feel, still, responsible for his happiness. I mainly pity him.

I had a beer yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised as to the effects it had on me. It's not a good habit to get into, but I am realizing now I don't need to be on all this medication. I am on 2 anti-psychotics and 2 mood stabilizers, and there is no reason I should be on this much.

Sensitivity

 It's important to respect a person's sensitivity. Some people are very sensitive to people and the impact they have on them. Personally, I know I am a very sensitive person and I can pick up on strange and obtrusive emotions in others. By the same token, I have an active and creative brain that can interpret data and manipulate my surroundings and ideas.

Being emotional or sensitive is not a bad thing, but it places an onus on the individual to establish proper boundaries, and selectively choose the people we have in our lives, limiting toxicity. Overall, I'd say being hyper-sensitive is a double-edged sword. It can produce some wonderful things in the individual but it can also create tension and suffering.

Writing a book - the arts

 It would seem that the arts are a very important facet of life. I have little motivation, financially, to pursue a career as a writer, but perhaps one day I could contribute something to literature if I decide to write a book. It would probably be fiction, and I have ideas (I feel I have creativity). My mental illness might get in the way of it, but one day I might go ahead and figure out what I want to say in a novel and get to work. I don't think I'd ever make money from it, but at least I could have it published and distribute copies to people I know or meet.

Health, at what cost?

 I don't drink alcohol, and I am trying to quit smoking. To avoid all this pleasure is one way to go about life, as it portends championing good health. But at what point do we take eliminating vices too far? What is there to live for, if we don't engage in the activities that provide pleasure?

I am on a lot of medication for my bipolar disorder, which I take regularly, so I feel I am doing a good job of managing that illness. But my addiction to cigarettes is still a hurtle that I need to overcome. Then there is diet, which is another issue altogether. It feels like the quest for good health and healthy habits never ends. At the very least, if I can quit smoking, I will feel I have achieved something.

It's more about quality of life than good health and longevity, for me. The constant battle and being on-edge resulting from being addicted to cigarettes is a state of being I want to curb. I put on the patch yesterday and I immediately felt better, like I was doing the right thing.

I went on a mission to the pharmacy to try to buy more patches, but they did not sell NicoDerm. Rather than go all the way to the major chain pharmacy, which would have added 40 minutes to my time outside, I decided to buy one last pack of legal cigarettes and come home and order the patches from Amazon. I feel Amazon is the best way to get almost anything.

Potholes

 I encountered a serious pothole in life. It has shattered my confidence and sent me into a pit of despair. I am forced to re-evaluate who I am and go forward, re-learning the things that I love. It will take time to recover, but I should be fine again one day.

I am just going to focus on GSIV and taking it easy on myself. I am a little distraught about being on so much medication, because I find it hampers my ability to function and my overall happiness. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about that and I feel trapped.

My one friend is great as usual, but I feel I have changed. I feel I have abandoned the relationship and sullied it. There is nothing left to do but let time heal me. I am even neglecting my job.

I am fighting the urge to drink a beer. That is not really a road I want to go down. It would probably make my emotional pain ease up. Right now I'm just listening to the radio and doing GSIV.

Sexual cycles in men

 I believe that as men, our energy cycles as we expel semen from our body and then begin to restore it. There is a process where if we ejaculate, our mood changes and then is eventually restored as the testicles fill with more semen again. Whether or not we ejaculate do to manual stimulation (masturbation), or we go to a prostitute, or we make love to our girlfriend, the journey of emotional recovery is the same. Just as women have cycles, I believe, so do men.

There are some religions that forbid the release of semen unless with a wife. If a man goes out to sea and is away for a very long time, it is acceptable to release semen through stimulation, but in general, it is forbidden (I believe this is the muslim religion).

Trust in an older person

 We children, and as younger people, we often put our trust in someone who is much older. Unfortunately, we have no control over the influence that this older person has on us. There is a power differential. That is why a parent must always put their child's interests and innocence first. My father, who is 37 years older than me, is an abusive person. He does not want me. He is a severe alcoholic, and has no friends (everyone hates him), so he reaches out to his two children to provide support. It is disgusting behaviour.

He never wanted us. I keep coming back because I don't like the thought of being alone. But his behaviour, drinking, and attitude tear at my emotions each time. I feel attacked, cheap, and worthless. When will I learn that he is a terrible person and no good?

Severing connections

 I have decided to leave someone on block, someone who is far older than me and someone who is an alcoholic. I cannot deal with alcoholism and I feel shaken emotionally by my encounter with this individual yesterday. I try to relate but the hatred just overwhelms me.

It takes me a few days to settle into my peaceful routine of existence. After having experienced emotional stress, it is always a while until I can feel calm and centered again. My issue is that I feel sorry for the person, because they are a lonely alcoholic. But the person has far, far more money than me and lives a much higher quality lifestyle with fancy steak and smoked salmon, and other luxuries. So why do I bend over backwards to try to reach out and help them?

It is part of my nature. But the longer I go on my own the more confident I become and more independent I feel. I have spent most of my life catering to this individual, healing them, listening ad nauseum. It has been an emotionally abusive relationship that I have often been trapped in. I am fortunate to have gone out on my own and be able to survive without them. But old habits are hard to break. Especially when you've been groomed since childhood to be a friend/therapist. Truly despicable. Howard's nickname is "how weird", because he is an idiot, a fool, and a drunk/alcoholic. He has no redeeming qualities, a true bastard, like every alcoholic.

Olanzapine

 For the majority of my adult life, I have relied on a drug called "Olanzapine". Not sure what to say about it, but it has dulled me to a certain degree. I believe I am at the last of my medication changes, as I recently agreed to an increase in this drug with my doctor.

Sometimes it amazes me to think how much time I have left. I am middle-aged, but there is so much ahead of me. Each day seems to go by slowly or at least monotonously, and my attitude and outlook change every time there is a med change. I have reading, and I would really be distraught if I was unable to do that. Luckily, with the latest change (Olanzapine increase) I can still read, as far as I can tell.

Language is so important. I believe a continued focus on language, through reading, is what stabilizes us and keeps our mental health on top. I am currently on the 4th book of the "Last Viking" series by J.C. Duncan. It is a tale of Harald Hardrada the ruler of Norway and the events that led to him becoming such.

Happiness - remembering the thorns

 When one gets into a good mood, which could take some time and patience, it is really hard to remember the bad things, the spikes that could take the air out of you. I am writing a note and putting it on my phone because every time I get in touch with my father, who is emotionally abusive, etc, it deflates my mood for days and creates a lot of emotional pain.

My sister and father and late mother had me arrested and formed 2'd me. I have to remember that, but when one is in a good mood, it is really hard to avoid the thorns and hazards.

Bad parents

Sometimes people are born with bad parents. It could be argued that once you're 18, you're on your own, but as a 23-year-old, my mother and father decided to lock me up in a mental institution.

This had a profound affect on the rest of my life, and essentially stole the life I had going for me.

They are hard-core strict, and my mother is dead now, so the hatred that I have for her will never be felt. My father is still around, but I do not have ties with him.

They are simply awful people. I had never heard of the term "bipolar" before I was committed, but now, and for the past several decades, it seems to be the focus of my life. I can't get out of the system. Once you are in the mental health system, there is no escaping.

I wish I had never tried to rely on my parents at 23. I wish I had better parents. They did the same thing to my sister when she was a teenager (drug her). They have both been alcoholics my entire life, and I have suffered abuse from both of them. The abuse I can get past, because that is common, but the approach of repeatedly committing your child and dooming them to a life of psychiatric treatment is abhorrent.

Reading

 Reading and getting absorbed into a novel is a good way to exercise my brain, so that the music takes a back seat to my thinking. I basically have to do as much reading as possible to be clear-headed and content. It can take around 10 minutes of sitting down with my book until I get absorbed in it. But once I'm in, the longer I read the better I feel.

I spend a lot of my energy trying to fight the music in my head, trying to make it go away and worrying that it never will. If my mind is vacant - if I haven't read for a while, the music is heavy and overwhelming. Nothing else really does the trick other than reading.

As a hobby, GSIV is great. There is lots to learn about it and it is better than video games. The depth of GSIV is remarkable, and I feel the staff have done a good job making it entertaining and balanced. The subscription fee (for premium) seems to be worth it. I think I will stick with it for a long time.