Passive parenting, spoiled children

 In my case, my parents are passive parents. They do not get actively involved in "parenting", but always wait for one of their kids to come to them. It leads to very toxic children and mental health issues. They say my bipolar disorder is inherited, but I really don't think the environment in which I was brought up helped. I had a large support network as a teenager and so managed, but as I recall, my parents never made any effort to get involved in shaping me as a person.

I was curious about "Spare", Prince Harry's memoir, and I think there are some similarities between me and him. We both have mental health challenges (although mine are probably more severe) and we both have gripes against our family.

It is a process, getting used to the idea that you don't have a family. I can't deal with my two remaining family members as they are very bad for my health. There is also the issue of them ghosting me and then form 2-ing md and having me arrested.

Hopefully future blog-posts won't be as whiny, but for now, I am just writing what's on my mind.

Hemmingway, fathers

 I'm reading Hemmingway's "The Sun Also Rises" which is a good book. I was reflecting about father dynamics and although I think in my case my father does not love me, he has to be credited for putting on a good shows. He makes an effort to be responsible, and I do think I appreciate that.

It would be nice if both parents could be in love and both wanted to extend that love by creating a family, but in my case, once again, that didn't happen. My father never wanted children but always felt responsible for them, my mother on the other hand, wanted children pretty badly.

I suppose I am growing up in that I see my father for who is he is. A glorified "pal". Only problem is, he drinks so heavily and has kind of a disgruntled personality, to the point where I really can't stand him. I will try not to judge, for for all his faults, he has some redeeming qualities. He tries.

It's really a question of whether I can get my old health and mental health in order. I fucked up pretty badly by dropping out of school in my third year (incidentally, after reading Tolstoy's "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" which lead to having no money, and being a dependent of my parents into my 30's. I did try to emancipate and live on my own at 35, but I have since always felt the clinginess of a family that was probably too close, for too long.

I have nothing to do but live, try to enjoy life, and keep my health in check. I do believe it's important to see a doctor and follow their advice. There are some, like Gichin Funakoshi who can remain healthy without the help of a doctor, but it has been my fate to be thrown into the medical and mental health systems. There is no use holding onto anger at what happened to me, for my decisions were mine to make (albeit I was very young). I can go forward now and try to have substance.

My medication is lowered tonight slightly, so I will be observing the effects of that. I am feeling pretty energized from the conversation I just had with my father though. As an alcoholic, he transfers a lot of anxiety onto the unfortunate receiver of his conversation.

Success, subjective

 I have been defining success for the past 20 years as how much money you can make, and what kind of status you can achieve. In other words, I thought success was material. I have shifted my thinking recently to include personal life and peace of mind in my definition of success. I think someone who is centered and comfortable in their own shoes has achieved success. Why do people try to impress others through material success? This can lead to mental health challenges if the individual pushes too hard.

I am happy as long as I'm comfortable in my life, and that may mean not doing all that much. I am in the position where I can relax for as much as I want, and as I work through some of these issues, I can focus on my personal well-being. I do not want to be hard on myself and wish I had "achieved" more. Being at easy is what it's all about.

Latest alterations

 So for the 6th time, or therabouts, my olanzapine has oscillated back down to 5mg from 7.5. I am finding the constant music in my mind to be worrisome, but it seems like it's hear to stay. It only really goes away when I'm concentrating on something intently, i.e. watching a movie or reading. I am getting kind of fed up of all these medical adjustments and medications. It wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't music, but that's ok. I can still get by.

Reverse experience

 Usually the trajectory of one's life should be difficulties and being poor, leading to success and having more material wealth. But in my case, it was the opposite.

I grew up in a house, and I always had success and friends. I never wanted for much. After a certain point, I went out on my own but I couldn't hack it and ended up living the second half of my life in poverty.

Blame it on the mental illness, or perhaps there is something terribly wrong with the way I was raised. There should have been some sort of objective, some struggle within my child-hood that taught me to be motivated and succeed. I did push myself for a period, but my personal life suffered and I ended up in the psych ward. I'm not sure I can forgive my mother for driving me to the mental hospital at 4 am one day. On the other hand, I was 23, and a legal adult.

Mostly it was the decision to quit school in my 4th year and become a math teacher, an idea I had barely cultivated, that led to me missing out on the fruits of what I had worked and sacrificed for. But if you take the idea that I have this terrible ailment, a disease of the brain, then veering off on an alternate path in life, missing out on the joys of later adulthood (like a family or a car) could be rationalized.

I just don't like to think of myself as sick. Wallowing in the woes that belong to someone who is classified as "mentally ill" just, in my experience, makes the problem worse. I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow and I don't know what I will tell her. I am not happy, and I'm not sure if the medication is working, but we have struggled to find a solution and it always seems elusive. There is something missing in my life, beyond medication, that I have to find. And living in poverty does not make it easier.

Grooming

 If one were to have a child, it's not really responsible to groom that child to be your friend. Unfortunately, I grew up in a family where my father had no friends and thereby relied on his children (me especially) to be his friend. I remember this put enormous pressure on me as a child, to please my father and to make my own friends. I grew up hating him, and eventually, he lashed out at my physically and I retaliated. The result was I ended up in a psych ward.

Through sheer luck and the benevolence of the country in which I lived, I ended up independent and in control of my life, and happy, at my current age. I feel like I can do as I please, but the grooming that occurred through out my life, vis-a-vis my father, causes me stress to this day. He is still alive, and I feel, still, responsible for his happiness. I mainly pity him.

I had a beer yesterday and I was pleasantly surprised as to the effects it had on me. It's not a good habit to get into, but I am realizing now I don't need to be on all this medication. I am on 2 anti-psychotics and 2 mood stabilizers, and there is no reason I should be on this much.

Sensitivity

 It's important to respect a person's sensitivity. Some people are very sensitive to people and the impact they have on them. Personally, I know I am a very sensitive person and I can pick up on strange and obtrusive emotions in others. By the same token, I have an active and creative brain that can interpret data and manipulate my surroundings and ideas.

Being emotional or sensitive is not a bad thing, but it places an onus on the individual to establish proper boundaries, and selectively choose the people we have in our lives, limiting toxicity. Overall, I'd say being hyper-sensitive is a double-edged sword. It can produce some wonderful things in the individual but it can also create tension and suffering.

Writing a book - the arts

 It would seem that the arts are a very important facet of life. I have little motivation, financially, to pursue a career as a writer, but perhaps one day I could contribute something to literature if I decide to write a book. It would probably be fiction, and I have ideas (I feel I have creativity). My mental illness might get in the way of it, but one day I might go ahead and figure out what I want to say in a novel and get to work. I don't think I'd ever make money from it, but at least I could have it published and distribute copies to people I know or meet.

Health, at what cost?

 I don't drink alcohol, and I am trying to quit smoking. To avoid all this pleasure is one way to go about life, as it portends championing good health. But at what point do we take eliminating vices too far? What is there to live for, if we don't engage in the activities that provide pleasure?

I am on a lot of medication for my bipolar disorder, which I take regularly, so I feel I am doing a good job of managing that illness. But my addiction to cigarettes is still a hurtle that I need to overcome. Then there is diet, which is another issue altogether. It feels like the quest for good health and healthy habits never ends. At the very least, if I can quit smoking, I will feel I have achieved something.

It's more about quality of life than good health and longevity, for me. The constant battle and being on-edge resulting from being addicted to cigarettes is a state of being I want to curb. I put on the patch yesterday and I immediately felt better, like I was doing the right thing.

I went on a mission to the pharmacy to try to buy more patches, but they did not sell NicoDerm. Rather than go all the way to the major chain pharmacy, which would have added 40 minutes to my time outside, I decided to buy one last pack of legal cigarettes and come home and order the patches from Amazon. I feel Amazon is the best way to get almost anything.

Potholes

 I encountered a serious pothole in life. It has shattered my confidence and sent me into a pit of despair. I am forced to re-evaluate who I am and go forward, re-learning the things that I love. It will take time to recover, but I should be fine again one day.

I am just going to focus on GSIV and taking it easy on myself. I am a little distraught about being on so much medication, because I find it hampers my ability to function and my overall happiness. There doesn't seem to be much I can do about that and I feel trapped.

My one friend is great as usual, but I feel I have changed. I feel I have abandoned the relationship and sullied it. There is nothing left to do but let time heal me. I am even neglecting my job.

I am fighting the urge to drink a beer. That is not really a road I want to go down. It would probably make my emotional pain ease up. Right now I'm just listening to the radio and doing GSIV.

Sexual cycles in men

 I believe that as men, our energy cycles as we expel semen from our body and then begin to restore it. There is a process where if we ejaculate, our mood changes and then is eventually restored as the testicles fill with more semen again. Whether or not we ejaculate do to manual stimulation (masturbation), or we go to a prostitute, or we make love to our girlfriend, the journey of emotional recovery is the same. Just as women have cycles, I believe, so do men.

There are some religions that forbid the release of semen unless with a wife. If a man goes out to sea and is away for a very long time, it is acceptable to release semen through stimulation, but in general, it is forbidden (I believe this is the muslim religion).

Trust in an older person

 We children, and as younger people, we often put our trust in someone who is much older. Unfortunately, we have no control over the influence that this older person has on us. There is a power differential. That is why a parent must always put their child's interests and innocence first. My father, who is 37 years older than me, is an abusive person. He does not want me. He is a severe alcoholic, and has no friends (everyone hates him), so he reaches out to his two children to provide support. It is disgusting behaviour.

He never wanted us. I keep coming back because I don't like the thought of being alone. But his behaviour, drinking, and attitude tear at my emotions each time. I feel attacked, cheap, and worthless. When will I learn that he is a terrible person and no good?

Severing connections

 I have decided to leave someone on block, someone who is far older than me and someone who is an alcoholic. I cannot deal with alcoholism and I feel shaken emotionally by my encounter with this individual yesterday. I try to relate but the hatred just overwhelms me.

It takes me a few days to settle into my peaceful routine of existence. After having experienced emotional stress, it is always a while until I can feel calm and centered again. My issue is that I feel sorry for the person, because they are a lonely alcoholic. But the person has far, far more money than me and lives a much higher quality lifestyle with fancy steak and smoked salmon, and other luxuries. So why do I bend over backwards to try to reach out and help them?

It is part of my nature. But the longer I go on my own the more confident I become and more independent I feel. I have spent most of my life catering to this individual, healing them, listening ad nauseum. It has been an emotionally abusive relationship that I have often been trapped in. I am fortunate to have gone out on my own and be able to survive without them. But old habits are hard to break. Especially when you've been groomed since childhood to be a friend/therapist. Truly despicable. Howard's nickname is "how weird", because he is an idiot, a fool, and a drunk/alcoholic. He has no redeeming qualities, a true bastard, like every alcoholic.