ESO

 I love ESO so much. It keeps me sane.

I'll write more about this game at a later time, probably, but it is a virtual world where you can be and do almost anything, within the confines of the game.

The longer I play the game, the more balanced and happier I am. It enables me to think properly. I have said before to Bunny that it is my insulin. And this is true, mentally. lt enables me to think clearly.

If you haven't tried ESO, I highly recommend it. In my opinion, it is the perfect game.

There are other great games on Game Pass too, of course, but ESO and ESO Plus really are the best experiences on Xbox I can ask for.

I would like to upgrade to a 4K TV and an Xbox Series X eventually, hopefully before February.

My whole life

 I have my whole life ahead of me. If I can just get past this medication piece I should be able to have a fulfilling life. A meaningful life. It's just that I am caught up on the lithium, and A.M. in particular whom I detest. Truly, I mean, him coming into my life has made me more miserable than I could have imagined.

But one thing I've learned, once I get my medication under control, is dreams are healing. They allow you to move forward.

I have to become a consumer/survivor, get my sleep under control, and dream, read, relax, hang out with Bunny, eat properly, and just have a peaceful, quiet, reflective, and thoughtful life. I can use this blog as my main creative outlet, and just blog for the rest of my life.

Get gold.

Mental Illness

 I don't have a mental illness. I just went through some shit.

I think I will focus on my health going forward. I need to be a consumer/survivor, and limit my medication, and just be happy and try to enjoy my life the best I can, as R.H. said. Just be easy on myself and go easy and take it day by day.

I don't know about this job because it seems pretty stressful but it might be a good way to give back because I do sort of enjoy it.

Helping others seems to be the only occupation I am suitable for.

Being crazy

 There is nothing wrong with being crazy. The psychiatric industry of treating this is messed up. I know this now.

Someone on chat said "I don't trust anyone who works in mental health".

That is very true.

I want to be a little "crazy". I want to experience joy, even if there is pain.

When my family "form 2'd" me they did it because they thought they had a good reason, I suppose, but is generally a shitty thing to do to someone.

I need to slowly work my way off these meds. Or at least lower them to some kind of reasonable dose. But even that, I know is still going to be bad. I don't think really any good feeling can come from psychiatric medication.

I want to be a consumer/survivor.

Pron

 I was told that pron was responsible for the downfall of mankind.

It truly truly is.

It ruined my life and I have been struggling with an addiction for my whole life, ever since I was 12 years old.

Someone showed me a video and since then I have been addicted to it, constantly searching for it. I never knew anything was wrong with it, it was just what I was brought up with. It changed the way I feel about women, and damaged all my relationships.

Recently I backslid and started watching again, ever since I got my netbook.

It is a terrifying habit because it is so quick and easy and addictive. It is making everything suffer. I hate it.

Medication changes

 It is absolutely crucial to be able to change your medications on your own.

If you know something's wrong, with the way you are feeling, make a change.

I know people say do it with your doctor but something definitely is not right. I am on too much lithium.

I will go from 600mg - 300mg. Lithium is completely evil.

I am not feeling well at all, I'm having nightmares, I can't sleep.

100mg - 25mg Trazadone too.

I am big man, grown, I can make these changes on my own. I don' have to wait one month to talk to a doctor about them.

I am in control about what goes into my body.

I hate lithium.

I also had a dream that Bunny and I both got fired (a nightmare) because it came to light we had a sexual relationship. Following that, we took the subway home, ran into Lizzy, got accosted, and I was kind of kicking things and she was now a hamster and she got dropkicked over a fence and into a field.

It was a terrifying nightmare. I felt like I lost her. Also, I am not getting along with my cat that well, ever since the lithium increase back up to 600mg. I am miserable.

Lithium

 I've been taking the lithium and I've somewhat come to terms with it. I realized that it's better to follow doctor's directions than not. It was just messed up because the doctors that put me on it were threefold, not my usual doctor. But then again I don't have a psychiatrist.

I feel like I've lost my creativity and I feel like I'm in a bit of a haze - a dark cloud, lazy.

But then again if I do have bipolar this is apparently a good medication for it.

I'm just living my life.

Outlet

 It's 4:23 am. I am awake. I am just thinking how important it is to have a creative outlet. The Lithium, Paliperidone, and other drugs have created a sort of mental blank in my mind. When I close my eyes, all I see is a white fog. It's like there is white fog (the lithium) in front of a white wall (the Paliperidone). Before, when there was no lithium, it was just a white wall, but I was still able to visualize and imagine - I could see a calm blue ocean if I wanted to. I could have done art.

I was knitting, I was even painting. I was happier. I even had a 55" TV, a recliner, and my apartment was laid out better.

Granted, I did kind of have to rearrange my room/unit because the air conditioner had broken and the guy came with a new one. There was no room for it, because it was a floor model, so the bed had to move to the living room.

I am concerned about coming off the Lithium. Ultimately, I have to believe that the brain is a resilient organ and the body can recover after Lithium. I have only been on lithium for roughly 3 months so I think I should adjust. l have to be really patient with myself and rest a lot, drink a lot of water, eat meals, and just recognize that biologically, I am still on other drugs that could be treating my diagnosis. Additionally, I have to remember that I had been on Lithium for years before, went off it, and managed to basically survive. I didn't want to kill myself back then, in fact, I was happy. I walked around with a bounce in my step and was in a general good mood. I had friends, relationships, and had some very interesting conversations with people. No one accused me of being crazy. I have to remember that there is hope. I can seek support from different channels too. Psychiatry isn't the only answer.

Friend family

 I think it's important to sometimes realize that you need a friend family. This includes selecting several people who are important to you and allowing them to be your true family. If you've been shunned by your real family, just because there are biological connections, you shouldn't have to try to hold onto those relationships at the cost of your own health and financial status.

Money and family

 It is difficult when you have a rich dad, your mom has died, and you are living 50% below the poverty line. If you call your father, and he doesn't pick up the phone or return your calls, you know that money is the root of all evil.

People suck. I've got to move forward with my life understanding that I can manage my own problems on my own, and I don't need my father. He has been very abusive to me in the past anyway.

Even though I have a "mental illness" I've gotta focus on the positives. I am not my illness, and I think, I could even get better.

It's just when I got to sleep at night or I wake up in my morning I miss my Dad.

Work

 I just got back from work. It started off really enjoyable but then my mind started to wander and it was hard to pay attention. When you're on lithium, there really isn't much else you can do but work and try to enjoy your life.

I would like to see if my doctor can reduce my Lithium slightly. I feel like it's a bit much.

I am reflecting about independence and separating from your family. I have turned into a kind of hermit, I have gotten used to my solitude in a big way. Time is pretty enjoyable and peaceful when you're by yourself.

I just want to get my medication right so that I can be a bit more creative, and have some original thoughts. I would also like to practice meditation a bit.

My one friend is a great influence in my life, and teaches me the ways. She is older than me so I feel that her experience is paving the way for my health and success.

It's a good thing there is the internet because it gives me something to do. Also, buying this netbook was such a good purchase.

It's also a good thing I have my cat.

Mind and medication

 I used to think that having a mind and taking medication were mutually exclusive. Now, I understand that taking the medication helps with your mind. lt may impact or hinder your ability visualize creatively (I'm not sure on this) but I've noticed that you can actually sort of think more clearly while taking the medication.

Lithium is scary though, because, as has been said by many people, there's no coming off of it. There are cases where, when your kidneys start to fail, you may need to switch to a different medication, but Lithium seems to be a special case. It is an element.

Roles

 It's important to understand the purpose of "roles" in life. I remembered this concept from Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". 

In life, one must always understand roles, and how to successfully fulfill them. Whether it's being a son, a friend (the most important role, in my opinion), a client, a patient etc.

I find that in my type of life people can confuse professional relationships with personal relationships. Personal relationships are the ones that you should treasure, hence why friendship is so important.

But, some people confuse (and I find this to be the case where I live) a professional contact with their friend. Really, if the contact is professional, we don't owe them anything. It is important to realize that a worker, a doctor, etc is always there to serve us. That is why they are getting paid money. I have a tendency to try to please professional contacts and workers, and gain their approval.

I have this theory that a professional contact cares more about their "job" then the person they are paid to help. I have noticed this as well with colleagues and working in my field.

Thus, it's good to understand our roles, and what are obligations are. The term "boundaries" is sometimes used. I don't really appreciate this term but I suppose one could understand that understanding a role could lead to strengthened and appropriate boundaries.