Contingency

 I am often sickened by the city in which I live. Everyone is busy but that doesn't mean that they are acting in an intelligent, thoughtful manner. The GDP/capita of Canada is sinking, I am told, meaning that there are relatively more poor people than there were 10 or even 20 years ago. But everyone is busy.

As a Canadian, it is rare that I speak to another Canadian (born in Canada) in my city. My contingency for exiting this life is to book a room in a high-rise hotel and leap from the balcony. I will party for a few days then end it all. I was trying to glean information from this stupid African receptionist at the front desk and she kept trying to forcefully use sales tactics to book me. I just wanted to ask some information.

I live a life of isolation so traumatic encounters over the phone with strangers can trigger my mental health symptoms. I have been living with constant music in my head (and it sometimes gravitates towards outside my head) for months now. They were brought on by the addition of olanzapine, which has caused this problem. I have had music in my head for many years but recently it has become the forefront of my thoughts.

I live with the stigma of (why don't you get a job?) by many ignorant people who don't acknowledge the importance of mental health, and that my diagnosis is actually a disability.

I am trying to live a happy life but I am really stuck on this medication thing.

Part of the problem is I live in a mental health shithole. And part of the problem is my mental health is bad. But of course I don't have a psychiatrist because all of them is this fuckin' town have turned private because that's where the money is. I have been told, by several people, that it is next to impossible to get a psychiatrist within the public health system.

Talking about suicide raises alarms, but I think it's an important subject. In one Family Guy episode, it was revealed that Brian keeps a loaded firearm in his bank safe deposit box in case he needs to exit his life. I enjoy having such a contingency plan, jumping from a high-up balcony at a hotel, because it adds meaning to life. It creates a back-up plan whereby I can just get out if things become even more unbearable. It is hard to imagine things getting much worse though.

Lamentations

 Fate made me end up where I am. I am completely reliant on medication and my life seems to revolve around it. I was an achiever early on, and in my 20's had set out a path that would make me very successful. The bumps that I experienced along the way, and coming back to a family that is highly toxic, which caused clashes, put a two decade pause in my life. I say pause, because, I feel like I am just coming out of this hole now. I still make the mistake of reaching out to my parent, who, is a truly despicable alcoholic and abusive person.

I see no recourse but to continue to ask my doctor to lower my medication, and try to enjoy my life. The side effects are brutal, but if truth be told, medication isn't inherently bad. It just disrupts your life. The constant music in my head is maddening, a phenomenon that started as soon as I re-started the olanzapine several months ago (I have lost track how long it's been).

All I can do is go day-to-day and try to live a peaceful life. I will not contact my father again.

Mental health and likability

 Usually people will treat you better if your mental health is under control. I have seen it, people who do not have good mental health, hear voices, talk to themselves, get less attention than those who have their mental health more or less under control.

When the pharmacy messed up my supply of medication in 2023, leading to an 8 month episode with no medication, I did lasting damage to my mental health. I did not have music in my head as strongly before that. So now, I just have to make the best of things and go forward and live the life that I want. Perhaps there will be improvement, or I will simply get used to it.

Medications and noise

 Odd for my diagnosis, recently I started having severe noise in my mind, which I believe, was caused by a change in my medication. It's very frustrating to have this annoying side effect, or perhaps, it is just a feature of my mind. It is really a continuous ear-worm, brought up by external sounds or even thinking of a particular song or tune. I have sort of accepted that it is a price I must pay for my stability. I don't have any health care professional actively helping with this problem.

Reading seems to fix this problem. But inevitably, my mind always drifts back to constant music. Also, I am kind of off cigarettes. I find Zyn to be a pretty good alternative. I purchased 2 units of Zyn yesterday, and they didn't give me the extra strong strength. So now I am stuck with the weaker version for a while.

Love

 Of all the reasons on Earth why we should be here, from success, to money, to knowledge, to "spirituality", love seems to be the main thing that counts.

I am fortunate to have some love in my life, and I have purposefully engineered my existence as such. It is the one thing that stabilizes me and makes me go from day-to-day, satisfied and feeling more or less complete.

I may not be the wealthiest, or the happiest, but I do have a certain amount of substance in my life and I can say that as a 41-year-old, I am learning that that's what matters. I see peoples' lives falling apart around, see them resorting to drugs or alcoholism, and I am glad that is not me. I will remain sober and content with what I have, and happy to have a relationship that offers mutual respect, love, and support.

Doing things yourself

 It's important to remember, as an adult, that most of the time we got to where we are by ourselves. In my case, beyond the age of 18, I got very few handouts or opportunities from my parents. Most of what I have achieved today came from my own diligent work and planning. I made some serious mistakes in the past, most notably trying to compete with my father (in terms of my own development as an adult outside my family), but it is good to remember that what I have achieved, where I'm at, I did by myself.

As a mature, middle-aged male, I am doing pretty well. I have my whole life ahead of me, well, at least a good chunk, provided I stay healthy.

Scarin' Aaron was a bit of a set-back, I did not foresee the destructive influence that that individual would have on my life, and was overwhelmed both by greed of his riches and partially-real, partially-feigned sentimentality for a past we shared (we grew up together largely). Cutting him off was on the advice of my father, but also my own instinct as I did not see our relationship going down a good road together.

Part of my wants to call him and see where it would lead but I really feel fleeing and admitting that nothing good will come is the better course. He is in a very powerful family and I feel dwarfed by that, I feel he has not grown up and his true loyalties lie to his mother, etc. I cannot have someone like that in my life. Unfortunately, I am stuck with the traumatic nightmare of his obsessively contacting me for the 8 month period we were in touch.

Owing to your parents is not generally a good feeling - not one that should be indulged. They raised you, in some cases did the bare minimum, and after that into your adulthood, you were on your own. I have to think about how to get as healthy as possible. I seem to be reliant on medication, which, if my diagnosis of bipolar disorder is to be believed, I need. I have noticed that I am basically happy although I do feel in a trance much of the time. It's as if dreaming and waking are the same thing - the same feeling.

I would like to get things back like my physical power, and minimize side-effects, but the risk of missing out on sleep or going "psychotic" (I am still not entirely sure what this term means, or if it is always a detrimental state - I am no doctor) is too great. I can find other things in life to focus on besides sex, which was a main motivator for so long.

In any case, I cannot stress enough that we do not owe our parents. I should have figured this out long ago, but I am not learning that there is no obligation to them, no reason to indulge them or even keep them in our lives. We have to live our own lives for ourselves.

Returning to an abusive relationship

 I've mentioned in so many blog posts before that I have an alcoholic father. I also have a mental health condition myself. Breaking ties with the person has been difficult, as one would imagine, him being my father. I know that when I'm not doing well, when the stress levels become too much, the noises in my head get worse.

I have to foster an environment of peace. This is why I chose to block my father on the telephone. It is a difficult decision because he is very temperamental and could retaliate with some abusive emails or messages. Or, I could relapse and call him again, which runs the risk of either him ignoring me due to spite or starting up a relationship with an alcoholic that is very traumatic and abusive. There is also a history of abuse in our relationship going back to a very early age for me.

One thing that my father has threatened, time and time again, is to cut me out of his will. I have to learn that a life lived for money is not worth it, so, I have to realize that I may not qualify for his "inheritance" (which is really just my mother's family's money that he essentially stole upon marrying her and has lived on for most of his life). It's not fair that he is spending the family's money, every last cent if he can, before dying. A true father or a true parent would wish the best for their kids, wanting to pass on an inheritance that has been in the family for generations. He is truly a piece of shit, now that I think about it.

I've heard through the grapevine about people who have been trapped in abusive relationships, not able to leave. Dollars to donuts, alcohol is usually involved in such situations. If this notion is true, then I really don't want to fall victim to this. I am lucky to have escaped with my hide, and be in a situation (especially given my precarious health) where I do not technically have to rely on him.

The very sound of his voice in a message, or the thought of him, scares the shit out of me. I was afraid of my mother too, before she passed. It was commented by a friend of mine, some time ago, that my parents are both assholes.

I have to accept this fact, but also accept that I have mental health condition, as this has been diagnosed by doctors and confirmed by them time and time again. Plus, I trust my current doctor who is providing me (what I think is pretty good) health care for it. I will strive to get the life that I want. Even if this means letting go of whatever money is supposed to be there for me at some point when Howard passes.

Dividends

 I am considering putting a small amount of money into a dividend stock. I am impressed that it is offering a substantial dividend. I like the idea of living off dividends as it allows you to keep intact your starting capital, and offers the potential of that capital growing over time.

I am curious about people, and in the span of the last hour I have watched a speech from Donald Trump and part of a biography of Hitler.

Hitler, an enormous bastard as proven through the trail of history, had some perplexing, if not interesting views. Of course, praising anything Hitler has said or done is extremely contentious and an offense. I don't know much about him, but one of the telling theories that he proposed as a leader was, and I paraphrase, "a single stroke of genius is better than a lifetime's hard work."

Raised in a conservative household, I have some conservative inklings. I am in a position where I can take my time and recover from my health difficulties (to some extent, my condition will never truly be cured), but I find the psychology if Hitler to be interesting. Sometimes I find myself being taken in by Hitler's dark charisma. He was the leader of Germany, a dictator, for a reason. But overall, I am not inclined to power the way he was.

Trump displays, in my opinion, similar characteristics to Hitler. Obviously a different man in a different time, they are both psychologically unfit to hold office. George Soros, an interesting man, one whom I don't know a lot about, said of Trump that he is a "con-man". I view Trump as fascinated by his own success and a champion of other rich people.

Of course, success cannot be defined simply in terms of money. Surmounting health challenges, making the best life for yourself given the circumstances, can all be characterized as success.

Closure

 There is a concept in human interactions called "closure". When two people get together, it is often not beneficial for either party to part ways without closing the relationship officially. Usually, when there is toxicity afoot, one party will display anger by not letting the other one leave through threat of not providing closure. When a relationship disintegrates in a toxic fashion, in the words, when there was no "goodbye", it can be assumed that the relationship had problems to begin with.

I have encountered this personally recently, whereby Aaron entered my life and became very petulant and clingy, and did not provide a proper exit from my life. I am grounded and centered now, and take care to appreciate all of my relationships, as they are pretty much carefully and purposefully chosen and maintained. There was a time when I was young and naive, and bitter, and the woman that I was involved with tried to end the relationship.

Up until recently I had been working under the assumption that it was a good, healthy relationship and that its end is what messed me up long-term (assuming that I am more messed up than ordinary). Now, I realize mildly that there were problems to begin with. When she "dumped" me, I did not provide the closure out of spite. It was attained later on her part, but for me, I held on. This was the toxic influence tow which I refer. When one party does not want the relationship to end and thus attempts to deny closure, problems ensue.

When two people are close, and the relationship simply disintegrates due to closure being withheld, the person who wanted it to end can be left in fear. I extrapolate based on my own example but this is the theory that I am inventing at this particular time.

Calling the bluff

 For a year and a half, ending last winter, I was constantly going to wireclub.com to participate in their Canada Chat chatroom. My strategy for going in was to be an aggressive joker, working my way to the top in terms of respectability. My name reflected this mission, and for about six months, I was doing pretty well. The world of chatrooms, I believe, is a ruthless area where people can say whatever they want, their identities hidden. Knowing what I know now, socializing with strangers in a chatroom (over the internet) is kind of a fruitless endeavor. I stay away from that now.

I was relatively open with my life in this room, and faced all kinds of put-downs. There was one chatter there, by the name of JehrBear, who was pretty hardcore. This chatter would be in the room continuously, every day, until the wee hours. I lamented my plight of having mental health issues, and she would go and tell me that I needed to "unalive" myself. This situation shows you how "toxic" the community is, if you can call it a community. I view it as internet alter-egos.

In any case, I was mentioning to people how I was having suicidal ideation and thoughts, and despite all this, JehrBear would constantly tell me to kill myself. Using the term "unalive" was a way of circumventing the automatic moderators who would catch other more accurate terms to describe one taking their own life. I also heard things from this chatter, in a predatory tone, of stuff like "you are too fat to fit in your coffin". Being a vulnerable person and having been in the chat internet community for over a year, as well as having shared details about my life, the slams that this chatter issued (not only to me, by the way) triggered me.

Even if it is behind a cloak of anonymity, telling someone to kill themselves in a chatroom, repeatedly (especially to someone with mental health issues already) is a pretty sadistic and damaging thing to do. When you enter the chatroom, you are connecting with others, and oftentimes, you don't know their life story. So when I went in there and shared that I was suicidal, I wasn't expecting to be told I needed to end my own life by a random girl in her twenties, whose life is clearly wireclub. I share this as a story and as a way of getting something off my chest.

Bipolar Disorder

 I was diagnosed early, like 18 years ago. Recently, there was a mix-up at the pharmacy and I had an 8-month period where I wasn't on medication. During this time, I had crazy experiences and a lot of upheaval. Something changed within me, I began to not care. I was hanging out with Albert and Ryan from the store, who both are against medication entirely. So I probably got away with some changes in my personality that most people would not put up with. My episode was complete with religious awakenings and trans-continental travel.

That's what happens when you ween off medication after being on them consistently for 16 years. After that time, it seems your brain is completely dependent on them.

I was angry, and rude to a lot of people. Some of them have not forgiven me. My mother, apparently, received some angry language from me and has since died, so I will never know how the relationship would have been had I not stopped medication towards the end of her life.

A lot of people don't like medication. I, myself, am less creative and happy when I'm on these heavy medications. They impact my brain. And of course, I wonder what my life would have been like had I never started them in the first place. But, of course, I do remember some situations early on in my 20's that do remind me that I in fact, in all likelihood, have bipolar disorder, which is a debilitating and serious mental illness. It's not fair. And the damage that I do to my life when in denial of my condition or off medication is also not fair. People don't understand, or at least, don't forgive and forget.

Lucky

 I just came back from a walk along a trail north-east of the city. I am remarking that I am very lucky to have the living situation that I have. It can become a bit intense sometimes, to go to bed in "public housing", but to have a quiet space that is affordable and all mine makes me feel fortunate. Now that it's getting hot out and I have the air conditioner going, it's quite comfortable to simply sit and look out the window and enjoy peace and quiet.

I am not sure about the medication regime I'm on, because it is a lot. Sometimes I feel dull or muted in terms of my ability to feel joy. Unfortunately, it seems like I am stuck with the pills. There doesn't seem to be a clear way of getting off them without exacerbating negative effects (or symptoms, in mental health lingo).

One hopes that in time (and I will be on these medications for a very long time) I will settle into a place where I can forget I'm even on them, and just enjoy life to the best of my ability.

Friends

 I've been in situations in life where I've had "friends" (or acquaintances) making me somewhat socially desirable within a group or community. These situations offered some kind of comfort or a degree of fun, but they never lasted. As I find myself now, enjoying my solitude, with one real friend, I find I'm in a different situation. It feels a bit more stable.

There is someone in my community named Ken who seems to be a social guy, in that he is always saying hi to all the neighbours and is in and out of his unit all throughout the day. According to some sources, being social is good for the brain, as it builds on key neural pathways. Most of the people by which I'm surrounded are not like this though. They tend to stay by themselves.

I do miss social connection and I have a certain longing for this sometimes but what I have now seems more real, and I seem to appreciate my time more. It can drag on, but overall, it's calm and quiet.

Problems

 My mother died a year less 4 days ago. I remember, the last year of her life, we did not get along. I was living on my own, and my family had cut ties with me. It all came down to me mentioning I was going to stop taking medication. What followed were 8 months of me getting physically healthy, and them resorting to forcefully committing me once again. I was experiencing poverty this entire time (and still am, to some degree). They have almost a million bucks.

Forgive me for saying I'm glad the bitch is dead. And my father, who is just as clueless and dumb as the others, just let it all happen. In fact, it was my mother who committed me originally when I was 23. These people are monsters.

If you have a kid, you don't take away your love (if it was ever there - I have my doubts in my case). You can punish and discipline if appropriate, but once you have a kid, it's your commitment to love them for life. Or at least, that is how it should go. In reality, many of us are victims of child abuse.

Patient

 I think that currently I am a patient. A derogatory term could be "mental patient". I have psychiatric care needs but I do not define myself as such. I think the key is just to enjoy my life. I have a pretty good life.

There was a man named Aaron Mark who I knew from nursery school and up. He is in a similar position as me in terms of psychiatric care and he wouldn't stop being a pest in my life. He would email me with medication recommendations and stop by and drop off "gifts" constantly (which he would then ask for back, some of the time).

I live in mental health housing and there are people here who are in the same boat as me, health-wise. I think I can remember that we all have issues and some of us just got the short end of the stick when it comes to what we caught. I wish my father were more supportive, but as he's told me from time to time, "I don't want to take care of you". That was after I asked him to buy me shoes. The guy has over $800,000 which he inherited from my late mother. Born to a lower-middle class family, he married rich, and is now spending all the family's money. His alcohol budget could support any one of my neighbours or myself by providing food and clothing.

He is a "conservative". I loathe those people. I was raised in this "conservative" household and now am a liberal.

Up and down

 I started the day decently, winning an all-in pot and along with it ~$24. Then I went to the clubhouse and in all honesty was overwhelmed emotionally both by what went on there and the commute, which was not trivial. Having gotten home, I played some more, and lost an all-in pot and ~$21. I had trip 10's and the villain had flopped a straight with KJo.

I am finding that perhaps my emotional state impacts the quality of my playing. Currently, I am still plagued by the constant music and reading seems to be the main thing that will put an end to incessant tunes. Also, I didn't have the sound on in my game (for some reason, the poker site was not playing sound) which may have impacted my decision-making. Either way, I lost what I had won in the morning.

I feel that getting used to these scenarios is part o the poker journey. With every beat, perhaps, we learn a bit more.

Keeping above water

 As a solitary individual, I find getting my thoughts out in this blog to be quite crucial to my overall wellbeing.

As I mentioned previously, $10 buy-ins at the poker site are a little sloppy. I am just not suited to such low stakes, as a $0.50 or $1.00 swing doesn't motivate me to play sharply on my game.

I logged out tonight with a $5 profit on the $25 buy-in. Down overall on the day, but it's nice to finish off the night with a (small) win. I have 7 buy-ins left (approximately) before I deplete my bankroll. I likely will top it off again if that happens but that will be a real bummer.

Feeling a bit weird about blocking my father, but I have to set some space between us, as his weekly calls really disturb me. I'm sure he'll understand if we go a few months without talking. After all, he is 37 years older than me. Why is he leaning on me so much? You have to question it. And myself, I do not consume alcohol (although I did have a bender recently) so I have the right to insist that my friends are in the same boat of sobriety. He is not my friend anyway.

I think I'll stick with "Modern Poker Theory" and try to absorb as much as possible. It will likely take several read-throughs to digest a lot of the concepts and math. The book is apparently highly acclaimed. And I spent ~$50 on it anyway so I should probably give it some serious time and effort.

Mental illness

 My father by his own admission is "insane". I finally got around to blocking him because as an alcoholic, he drags down my mood constantly.

I started playing poker. I started at $50 buy-in, then went down to $25, then finally $10 today. I have lost $150 approximately over the last 2 - 3 weeks. I guess I've learned that the higher stakes are too challenging for me at this stage. I found $25 scintillating but and $10 a little sloppy, but I've lost a couple buy-ins at $25 so I feel I have to stay at $10 for a while. It's been enough poker for today, I've played for hours.

"Modern Theory of Poker" is very formulaic and analytical. I bought this book off Amazon a while ago, and now the book is going into game-theory and proving tons of formulas and calculations to support different playing scenarios.

I'll try to finish the book but it is a little too technical and abstract for me. I enjoyed learning about ranges, but finding the Game Theory Optimal solution for hands (otherwise known as the Nash Equilibrium) is going into far too much depth for my liking at this stage. I suppose it's good to have a basic understanding of the principles though.

It's math I can do but I am not interested in following along with it. I found looking into hand equity calculations kind of interesting though (comparing hand equity to pot odds, I believe, for example).

I am spending a lot of time in my unit and not getting out and not being around people. The music in my head is kind of maddening. Tomorrow I will make an effort to get out and go to the clubhouse. Spending too many days in a row not getting out is not good for me.

Friday I have plans to see a friend.