Getting what you want from life

 At some point we have to come to terms with our age, and realize that we need to act appropriately. Often we did not get what we wanted out of life, and this is a realization that enables us to achieve peace of mind. To be content with what we have, even grateful for it (if possible), enables us to live a peaceful life. Often as we age we can get stuck thinking we did not accomplish enough. We can look back with regret. But really, there should be no regret. Most people just live their lives, day to day, not having accomplished the things their younger selves set out to do. The trick is to enjoy what we do have, including the people around us, and to be grateful for even the little things. As my doctor said, I still have my teeth. If we have air in our lungs, it's a good day. So, to sum, health is wealth.

Body adjustment

 One thing I've learned, with the meds, is it takes time for a body to adjust to them. During the first phase of taking medication, it may feel like you are suffering, but as the body gets used to it, you start to feel normal. I have also learned that it's important to have a good support circle. Through lots of rest and support, I am fortunate to get my mental health back. To be happy and comfortable and live a happy, normal life full of productivity. One step that I want to achieve is joy (whatever that is), but to truly enjoy my life. I know that mental health is an investment though (and a commitment) and to do it now, means reaping future rewards in terms of our health.

I do think that recognizing the importance of the body's adjustment to a medicine is important.

Privilege

I have been thinking about mental illness wrong, I suppose. I have been thinking of it as a curse. Instead, perhaps we who have been diagnosed are extremely lucky to get the help that we do. I can imagine many people suffer from disorders without receiving proper healthcare. Or sometimes, perhaps, people with undiagnosed and untreated mental conditions turn to drugs and alcohol to cope. I think my mother was a saint for sticking by me over the years and ensuring that I always had proper treatment. But I never really pieced it together. I'm lucky to have the help that I have. It is a privilege to receive proper healthcare and treatment for mental conditions and disorders.

I would be suffering more if I did not have that privilege. I speak to people sometimes who claim a disorder but say they have never gotten the proper diagnosis. I received a diagnosis early and while I have been running from it for a long time, have basically received the healthcare and help that I have needed. A lot of that was due to my family, and my parents, who always supported me.

I will look on those with disorders differently, and appreciate the help that people who do suffer get. I also believe that adhering to medications and doctors is an enormously important strategy, and effectively a responsibility. It's true I don't like the experiences sometimes but, once again, I am lucky to firstly, live in a country where this help is available (to some, if not many), and secondly, to have the medications available to help me. I suppose as we get wiser with age, we appreciate the things that we do have, and our health - more.

Father dynamics and cars

 Father dynamics are complicated. I try not to judge my own father for his faults, as I recognize that making your way in this world, as a man, is exceedingly difficult, not to mention correctly raising a child. A father must provide and be nurturing at the same time. To this day, I have yet to meet one adult who was completely happy with how they were raised, or with how good a job their father did. It is therefore an job that has a lack of appreciation.

This is a 2025 Nissan Sedan. I have kind of made up my mind that I will be purchasing this, or a similar car in the medium-term future. I find having a vehicle to be a possibly rewarding experience. In addition, one can earn money with it in this day and age.

I prefer to go with the gasoline model to the hybrid model. Additionally, I find a focus on too much of a career and not a good personal/social life is a mistake. For me, it would be easy to get trapped into too much of a career-focused life. But a job is a very important first step in achieving good personal success. It is a fundamental building block, since money is required. I look forward to this car, should I keep this idea in mind and hold onto it, for it will provide the freedom to do what needs to be done.

Confidence

 Confidence impacts and permeates every aspect of our lives. True confidence comes through time and persevering through negative circumstances. If we are constantly moving around, constantly trying to improve our situation through movement and changing directions in life, we don't develop the grit and fortitude to be truly confident. To place our roots down and to stay put, to allow situations to evolve around us, builds confidence. To recognize that confidence doesn't build over night is key. Usually strength of character is related to confidence.

When I had my ears surgically altered through surgery, I lost a lot of confidence in my appearance. But in the end, appearance doesn't matter. It is more about the person we are, how balanced we are, and how good we feel in our own skin. Unfortunately, my hearing was impacted but even hearing might not matter that much in establishing confidence. Mostly, confidence comes from knowing we are good at something. There is something that we have that makes us strong, relatively to other people. Whether it is time at a place, experience, or a skill or ability, we can gain confidence through time and growing into a particular shape of person.

I often gripe about my situation in life, that I don't like it where I am, or my relationships are suffered. But as we grow and plant our roots and become strong within ourselves, people tend to naturally gravitate towards us. I used to be a consumer of alcohol, and now, as I don't have anyone to drink with and have decided that it is not really for me (due to being on medication and having phased off greatly enjoying the taste), I have noticed that there must be some other way to gain confidence, outside of alcohol. In general, alcohol and drugs (and smoking) are a bad idea. Looking after our health should be a first priority in pretty much all situations, if we can afford it.

Confidence does impact our mental health though, and strong, healthy relationships contribute to our overall health and enjoyment in life, which then translates to physical health. A person who is less nervous will typically enjoy greater health than a nervous, fidgety person (this is a generalization).

First impressions

 I think first impressions are more how you view the people you are meeting, rather than how they view you. Because of the need to be consistent with how we act and are viewed, the impression that we make on someone, our mood at the time of the encounter and our outward appearance can affect how we must continue to be going forward. This may sound overly complicated, and a consistent person might not feel the need to rely on first impressions. But some people will tell you that first impressions are what matter.

On the other hand, the more scientific view would be that people get along regardless of first impressions, that cultural and group factors will influence how people mesh. I think time and the relationships to inanimate objects can impact how one integrates into a group. For example, the I believe I made an extremely negative first impression on the neighbours here where I live, but, perhaps the culture is just toxic. I think as time goes on, and as I appreciate the building more and my role in it, I should gradually become happier. Instinctively, I believe that a first impression you make on a group when you enter that group is all-important. But scientifically, I think that as time goes on, the person that you show yourself to be should determine your happiness and how those relationships progress. "Fast friends" is not always the case, and people do not always get along with one another well. I find the fabric of social interactions to be very complicated.

I have had situations, too, where I have been really happy and thankful to be joining a group, and have been met with an instant, positive first impression. When joining a group, or community, I believe that the need of the individual and general appreciation for their surroundings will impact how positively they are viewed by the people there. Also, when you're not a stranger (when you know someone who is already within the group) you are being introduced into a place whereby you have an "in" and will likely be accepted far more.

I struggle with isolation where I am at, but I take solace in knowing that situations do change and evolve over time, and as I improve my own happiness, I could find a better situation for myself eventually. I can only draw on my life experience and past experiences to process where I am and to find happiness in a situation that I perceive as difficult.

Doctors and Evil Charisma

 There is common sense when it comes to taking care of our health. Sometimes we over-rely on doctors, when in fact, we are completely healthy. This type of psychosomatic thinking can lead to seeing doctors when we are perfectly fine. I have seen people self-diagnose with all types of disorders, and actually convince a doctor that they have these "symptoms", as happens from time to time.

Evilly charismatic people enter your life from time to time. They leave a shock-wave of destruction, because they pretend to have your best interests at heart when in fact they are just using you. I have seen this happen with extremely spoiled, rich people. Often an indulgence in drugs can lead to people giving you bad advice. In general, it is best to avoid people who do drugs. There is an individual who I have encountered who does drugs and who is extremely rich (family wealth), who has manipulated me consistently. And because I think this person is my "friend", or he is charismatic, I will often call upon him. Someone told me that rich people are no happier than poor people, and I sort of see this. But poor people desire rich peoples' wealth. Because we know what it's like to truly struggle.

A return to a calm, piece of mind approach to life is the best strategy for getting through this whole thing alive.

Depression

 Depression is a state of a low mood or an inability to take action. Sometimes this can be a good thing because it allows us to fall into a trance where we think of the people in our life. It allows us to stop being a leader, to stop trying to be strong for others. Sometimes we can let others be strong for us.

My friend recently told me that she was depressed. Thinking of her missing from my life, with her gone, has filled me with an intense feeling of remorse and longing. I think taking it day by day and looking for the good things, the things that we enjoy doing, enable us to get through our depression. Sometimes it takes a big event to lift us out of depression, but these events can be chaotic and destabilizing for others., It's probably better to just wallow and live with this state of low mood. The Great Depression was alleviated, in part, by World War 2 (as far as I understand) which was an extremely detrimental and chaotic series of events. I think depression in a person can limit one's creativity.

Finding joy in the little things, the help the people provide and the hobbies and small things that you enjoy can help with it. The very word "depression" is scary, and perhaps it also helps not to dwell on this word. Maybe more people are depressed than we actually think.

They say religion can help with depression too, but believing in god has its own problems too. Perhaps when one is feeling very low, opening the Bible and reading through it can help. I was thinking of buying a vape, because that is something that really makes me feel good. But my lungs have been damaged so much, so far, that I think this may not be a good idea. Also, they are expensive.

Mood

 Recognizing mood is a good step to good peace of mind. Often, we get down, but knowing that our daily mood fluctuations change, and that eventually, good things will happen to raise our spirits. I am also discovering that health is so important. I am blessed to have a great doctor who tracks my health and gets me to take care of it. Several metrics have been improving. But keeping spirits up and expecting good things to happen in the future is very important. Some people have said, it's good to surround ourselves with a support network - a group of people who watch out for us. If you can be so lucky, that is true. I think that dwindles a bit as you age (unless you are incredibly lucky and have played your cards right). I have learned that hard work is most important when you're young. Building the foundation for a successful life early on is key. Or perhaps it's just making money when you're young. And then you have the fortunate who inherit their money, don't even have to work for it.

I think it's important not only to be grateful for what you have, but to know, you deserve what you have. I don't really like to think that I am "lucky" for everything I have. I don't believe in luck. I would rather think that I deserve it.

Cat people

 Cat people are a special breed. Living with a cat makes you kind of loopy. But we accept our craziness. When you live with a cat, you consider it a person. They are intelligent, sensitive, vicious, everything at once. They prevent you from seeking mental health. I have a cute cat and she is part of my home. I am always aware of her presence. When I think about going away or leaving my home, she tethers me back. There is another neighbour in my building who also has a cat, and she is kind of loopy too.

Essentially, with cats, you start to get used to them, then they take the place of people. That is what makes someone a "cat person". Your real life friends, how you view them, sort of take a back drop. But I like how my cat keeps me stable and grounded. Around a cat, you can feel find with being a bit crazy. There is a close bond, that is at once precariously fearful and warm. Also, they are quiet. I never thought I would be a cat person.

Love

 I used to think that love was different for everyone. Now, I believe it is a constant. After reading Anna Karenina, and observing how people talk about love and how they feel when they are in love, I think that there are some commonalities to it. The way Tolstoy describes the complex dynamics between men and women and how attraction works, I think it is sort of a science. Sure, there are different types of love, but I think the romantic type is pretty straightforward.

Risk

 For people who need people, often we are stuck with listening to advice from a wide variety of contacts. As we age, it seems like everyone we talk to has an opinion on what you should do. As people grow, they want to share their life experience and wisdom.

The bible talks about money, and how the love of it is the root of all evil. It is easy to get side-tracked and chase it, even though doing so means taking on (sometimes) undo risk. Additionally, in legal situations, there is risk, because, in the courts, our freedom is at stake.

It's important to surround ourselves with the right kind of people, that means people we know and trust. I am fortunate to have some good people in my life, but there are some not-so-good people too. Since every man is essentially an island, we have to vet the good ones from the bad. This is not a judgment, but a simple reality. One key ingredient to recognizing whom you should listen to, is drugs. I have come into contact with a fair amount of people who think they know things, but have done drugs themselves. I am referring to hard drugs. This phenomenon is present in all walks of life, from rich to poor. It's important to stay away from these kinds of people. Doing drugs is perhaps the single most dangerous thing you can do, mainly because people who do them are convincing. Lives are ruined this way.

I don't want to take on undo risk. I want to use the advice of people who care, listen to it, and accept a small amount of risk. One of my friends, says the best way to get "rich" is slowly, over time. That is why, in my (small) portfolio, I will be buying "Berkshire Hathaway", a steady and safe company. I am not rich and never will be, and I am beginning to think a life in pursuit of riches is not the best way to go.

A good book, will always ground you. Living for knowledge and wisdom is better than living for money. As we navigate the speed bumps of life, we have to keep in mind that there are things we cannot have. Life is long, it's not a race. Another thing my friend said is, "Nice guys finish last, but we finish." Very important piece of wisdom.

Road blocks

 I recently received some bad news which might force me to move. I was pretty happy, set up here in this unit, but I did not submit a particular form and now I might be losing my place. If this happens, there will be a change in my life. I don't know what to do. I am already miserable, and I truly believe, that without family, without kids, life is listless and empty. I find very little reason to go on.

Traveling to another country

 I'm going on a bit of a day trip next month. It will be crucial that I bring all the appropriate documents and some money for safety reasons. I am a little nervous because I don't have credit cards or a lot of backup cash, but hopefully I'll have enough to have a successful trip. I am just taking care of some personal business.

It's important to have an emergency fund when going to another country. You never know what could happen, there could be a power outage or you could get arrested. It's good to go with something.

In my earlier days I would travel quite a bit, due to the fact that I had a nice family. I suppose it's good to have a good youth with good experiences so that you can develop well into adulthood. I kind of wish I had planned for the future better, but due to events, and mental health concerns (largely biological in nature) my life was derailed at an early age.

Usually the onset of severe disorders like bipolar disorder happens in the early 20's, and this is when it struck for me. Due to denial and not being able to tolerate certain side affects, and other pressures, I kept going off the medication. Finally when I grew up and realized I need to be on it, I am a bit calmer now. It's not easy to come to terms with your own psychosis.

Alcohol

 I find alcohol to be extremely detrimental. As a child, before I reached adulthood and for a time after, I joined in on activities that involved consuming alcohol. As an adult, as I've gotten off the substance, I've realized that it is extremely detrimental.

Suffering from a mood disorder, myself, consuming just a few sips of alcohol can send me into a period of mood disturbance that causes me much pain and suffering. But above all else, alcohol effects your memory. After having gone a very long time without alcohol, my memory was sharp. I could think rationally. But I had some "wine" in my fridge that was left-over from a long time ago and I had a few sips (because it smelled good). Low and beyond my relationship with blogging, and my thinking clouded and I lost sight of what was important to me for a while. This has happened with a relationship too in the past. Essentially, if you go a long time without alcohol and then consume, the effects are noticeably detrimental. I've heard it said that people consume alcohol to forget.

I have more to say on the subject of alcohol, but overall, I find it very detrimental to my mood. Also, I am aware that alcohol decreases the effectiveness of medication. I think about it like this: if we use alcohol to disinfect wounds (rubbing alcohol), what is it doing to your brain and organs when you ingest it?

Above all, alcohol disrupts the flow of my ideas, makes me forget what path I was on. I had a great flow of creativity with this blog and now I have forgotten where I was!

Be your own family

 Often we are faced with the loss of a family member. Sometimes we had no family to begin with. After reflecting, I realized, rather than trying to make a family, it is sometimes better to be your own family.

Thinking about your needs, if we are safe and comfortable in our lives (relatively), being there for yourself, taking care of yourself, will provide a comfortable and safe environment to thrive. Self-love, as it's called, or self-care, will naturally draw others to you. Rather than relying on people (which is what family is), it could be best to rely on yourself.

Mental health

 The importance of mental health cannot be exaggerated. Often, this means "taking it easy" and being content with what we have, and not pursuing grand dreams. Being at peace is extremely important. I have found in the past that ambition and alcohol and other drugs have gotten in the way of good mental health. Eating properly and relaxation are two ingredients for good mental health, I find. Activities that slow the mind, and allow us to relax. Needless to say (and I am still exploring this), good sleep is a key ingredient to mental health.

But beyond taking the medication and sleeping well, I'm sure there are other factors, more soft (and perhaps "spiritual") that can contribute to good mental health. It's important that we don't break ourselves trying to surmount obstacles that are beyond our reach. Keeping in mind that life is long, and it's not a spring but a marathon, can enable us to slow down and relax, enjoying our life more. I found "World of Warcraft" was good for my mental health, on the whole. An enjoyable and fun game that is well thought-out and easy on the mind. There are of course toxic people in that game though.

Some people break themselves trying to get ahead, when what they seek is out of their reach. The result is a necessary commitment to good mental health for the rest of their lives. Taking it step-by-step, one day at a time, is important.

Energy

 I believe there is energy among people. You can absorb negative energy, or benefit from the positive energy of people in your life. Human feelings are all linked together with the people around you. When I was studying, I heard it said that you are the people you hang out with. That's why I take great care to vet and select the people I spend time with. For me, I don't need a lot of people, just a few. I will say again, my feelings are flattened by the medicine (simply put, the lithium), but I'd like to get back to having a mind and creativity. I want out-of-body experiences beyond simply treating the "brain" or nervous system through drugs. I believe in imagination, in visualization, in feeling.

I got stalked and it hurt. The energy that I absorbed from A.M., who was my early childhood friend set me back, or at least returned me to the kid I was before I went on into adulthood. I have to somehow muster the energy and take it and move forward, like being revamped, into new relationships at this later stage of my life. Energy is important.

Gut or mind?

 Sometimes, when faced with a tough decision, we have to go either with our gut, or our minds. There are times when our hand is forced, when we must rely on expert consultation and advice. In these situations, we think with our minds. But going with our gut is important too.

When A.M. came into my life, I didn't expect to experience this decision, To let him go was ultimately a guttural decision. But this decision was reinforced by thinking.

When you don't listen to your gut on the important decisions, you can regret it later on. Often, it is best to make decisions from the gut. Does anyone have any thoughts on what it means to "think" from the gut?

Psychosis

 My journey with psychosis started progressing in my late teens and early twenties. I understand with these types of disorders, that's usually when they start happening. The unfortunate part about my case, is that I never believed in the disorder. I still kind of don't and I have a tendency to blame the medication, when in fact they need to be adjusted. I think one can function without medication, and it is only a "disorder" if it is impacting their lives in some odd way. In my case, it did, and the financial difficulties that result from mania and psychosis, including sometimes a loss of freedom, are what cause it to be a disorder. So why do I have such a hard time accepting it?

Psychosis can occur as a result of drug use or as the result of a psychiatric disorder such as schizophrenia or bipolar disorder. I am interested in the neurobiological evidence and explanation about psychosis. From what I gather, it is linked with the neurotransmitter "dopamine":

Psychosis has been traditionally linked to the overactivity of the neurotransmitter dopamine. In particular to its effect in the mesolimbic pathway. The two major sources of evidence given to support this theory are that dopamine receptor D2 blocking drugs (i.e., antipsychotics) tend to reduce the intensity of psychotic symptoms, and that drugs that accentuate dopamine release, or inhibit its reuptake (such as amphetamines and cocaine) can trigger psychosis in some people (see stimulant psychosis).^[85] 

It is interesting that psychosis requires treatment. It doesn't seem to be a passing phase, but a condition that, after having occurred, needs to be healed. Medical professionals must rule out other causes before diagnosing it as a disorder, or part of a disorder. There seems to be some mystery surrounding the condition, at least in my mind, as I am very liberal in permitting odd and strange behaviour in others (into my own life). Eccentricity is something that I grew up with in my own family, and something I have appreciated in artists and other people. I have had to undergo treatment for mine, however, with the idea being championed that I will feel better after treatment. So far, I can't say that I do, but looking back on my own experience, I think I am probably safer with the treatment. As I have blogged about ad nauseum, however, I am very dissastisfied with how lithium in particular makes me feel.

First generation antipsychotics (typical antipsychotics - going back to the 1950's), second generation antipsychotics (atypical antipsychotics) and third generation which include, I believe, the concept of the "partial agonist" which does not fully blockade the neurotransmitter dopamine. All this seems a bit hard to comprehend and one could, as an outside, comment that people are just different in their own way. But safely treating psychosis can prevent a person from undergoing hardship including jail, bankruptcy, and death. Balance is important though, to preserve some happiness, even if dopamine (the reward chemical) is blocked.

Anna Karenina

 

This is not a synopsis or a report on my thoughts on "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy an 1878 novel. I am simply saying that I did order it on Amazon. I look forward to reading it even though it will take me a long time at 870+ pages. It has been a while since I've plunged myself into a good novel, and I hope to get back the habit. I will also only buy hard-cover books from now on.

Tolstoy is a very good writer and has special significance to me. He is so good, in fact, that he tends to influence my life. When I read "The Death of Ivan Ilyich" I changed certain aspects of my life, perhaps for the better, perhaps not. Anyway, he may be my favourite or most revered writer. I look forward to getting into the book.

I was thinking of getting a Kobo, but then decided I will stick to physical copies. I think ink on a page is probably the best way to do it, although good light is required so as to not create strain on the eyes. The advantage of a Kobo or e-reader, I think, is that the screen is backlit. They are very expensive however, at $170+. The latest ones have colour screens and allow you to highlight lines and sentences. Perhaps one day. I would like to improve my book collection first. I will probably blog about the novel as I'm reading it, sharing thoughts. For now, all I have to say is that Tolstoy is a fantastic writer. I also read "War and Peace" a long time ago, and was moved by it, although it took me far too long - the better part of a year. I found the battle scenes in that book to be hard to get through and long. But in terms of scope, it is unparalleled.

Autophobia

 The fear of being alone, or, as Wikipedia describes it, "autophobia", is something that people sometimes face when they are living alone. Autophobia could be an actual disorder, encompassing fear of abandonment and inability to sustain or create relationships. I face this issue as I sometimes have trouble being alone. To be alone for sustained periods of time without the need for other people is a skill that I would like to develop further. As far as I can tell, the best remedy for autophobia (if this is indeed the term) is reading and writing, learning and fulfilling your social needs through books and texts.

Finding a book that is interesting is essential to coping by yourself. I had started reading "Anna Karenina" and found it pretty exhilarating (Tolstoy I saw powerful writer), so perhaps I will pick up a copy of that or order one. I had also intended to read Karl Marx's "Das Kapital", and get better versed in communism, as politically, this is an idea that appeals to me.

The Covidiots and Twins

 During my past few years, I have encountered - sometimes on the internet and sometimes in real life - people who don't believe in COVID vaccines. These are called the "covidiots". They think the whole virus and the wave of panic regarding the millions of deaths resulting from the pandemic are a hoax, some political "conspiracy" created by the powers at me. It baffles me that some people actually purport to believe this. I say purport, because I think a lot of times, with crazy believes, people are just bullshit artists, experts at lying to themselves or others. Because no sane or rational person could think that what they saw on the news and through talking to people was all a hoax. In any case, they fail to understand or are ignorant of, the science behind vaccines. Releasing a small amount of a virus into the body so that your immune system can produce the necessary tools (it could be "antibodies", I need to research this ) in order to successfully build up immunity, is a logical and intuitive concept if one simply opens their mind.

Ignoring science is the same reason I don't like people who are overly into politics. Trump (and in general, conservatives) base their campaigns and views on some sort of "moral" human superiority whereas the left tends to ground their leadership campaigns in terms of the science of governing people (looking at a myriad of issues including economics, statistics, biology, and global patterns to name a few). Perhaps in the end the right values money over everything else. In any case, I don't really want to think about this.

I mention "twins" in the title because I wanted to reflect a little bit about this. I have heard people say, "I was born alone, I will die alone". This can be true, but in the case of twins - I believe it is not. The special connection between twins is probably more than a folk tale. Twins are together since conception, and build up together in the womb. So, I believe, they are more social.

When twins are separated, I think they experience more angst than solitary birth individuals do. Parents raising twins need to understand that the twins need to be together, perhaps for life, perhaps until they naturally separate into their own lives with their own partners. In any case, as my theory goes, twins are hyper-social people.

Crazy people

 I wasn't sure if "crazy people" was an actual term, but according to Wikipedia, you can describe people as such. The term appears to be interchange-able with "insanity" or "lunacy". Unfortunately, I have been around my fair share of crazy people. I had the misfortune of being with one this past evening. Part of my ability to not carry grudges with me is based on my tendency to forget negative or unfortunate interactions with undesirable people (usually, if there is abuse involved - as there has been, it takes me longer to fulfill my general happiness-remedy of "forgive and forget"), which means I repeat mistakes regarding whom and whom not to hang out with. In any case, I was around one tonight.

I also wasn't sure if my feeling that I can "pick up" on negative energy was credible. Again, given the circumstances of my home, I am privy to much "insanity" (an actual definable concept - not a politically-incorrect "social" conjuration), and am surrounded by people who are definitely strange and likely a danger to themselves or others. The thing is, my feeling of picking up on "negative energy" is completely founded in scientific data. I have learned that the term is "contagion":

Conceptually, mental insanity also is associated with the biological phenomenon of contagion (that mental illness is infectious) as in the case of copycat suicides.

Since human being are social creatures, we adapt to our surroundings in terms of the people whom we come into contact with. So tonight, as I invited a "crazy person" for a plate of disgusting poutine at an awful chain restaurant, the miserable feeling of having experienced something wretched that I suffered and continue to suffer now is actually the result of my interactions with that individual. Life sometimes leads one to believe that what they are feeling or experiencing is not grounded in reality, and if one has a scientific mind (filled with curiosity and inquisition), they tend to question their feelings and thoughts, grounded in the unusual experiences they have. Reading will center you and bring you back to reality, when needed.

By the way, "poutine" is a Canadian dish that involves (and this is as gross as it sounds) French fries, beef gravy, and cheese curds all mixed in together. It's like eating a plate of barf, but for some reason, given the emphasis on "comfort foods", Canadians hallow - and I use this term loosely: the "dish".

When one spends a lot of time alone, the human experiences that they have tend to become more significant, as (I find) the mind dwells on them afterwards for some period of time.

Bereavement

 Research is not always best. Sometimes it's best to let unbridled creativity, stemming from thoughts, guide the blogging process. Losing a loved one, such as a parent, is hard. Recently I was distracted by my life, my "relationship" (call it what you will) with A.M. and his nuisance prevented me from fully concentrating on the missing piece of my life, which was the absence of the person who had passed (or died).

Sometimes euphemisms are good, sometimes they are not. She died.

Anyway, the smart thing to do is think about it rationally and move on. Focus on the people who are still alive. But emotionally, it's far better to take time to be alone. This is why the empathetic thing to do is give someone time to be alone when dealing with the loss of someone whom they loved.

I think feeling is very good. Unfortunately, the medications that I'm on prevent me from feeling too profoundly. I am left clinging to someone who matters very much to me as my sole bastion for a relationship.

I'd rather be a grounded person than an awesome person. It just so happened that I was involved, or entangled, with the dark one while the event of her death occurred. I was not responsible for this, I know rationally, but emotionally processing it involves coming to terms with one's role in the life of the person who has died. It's not always best to be smart, sometimes it's best to be grounded, empathetic, caring, safe, and a good listener. I wonder if bereavement counselling will help, even though the craziness of the events surrounded her untimely death caused the elapse of about 7 months before I could actually sit and somewhat process it. Again, the lithium makes it almost impossible to have any feeling.

I don't need to be logical. I need to feel and be human.

Waking up in the middle of the night is a problem for me. It interrupts my night and prevents a good sleep. I will try to do some more research tomorrow on some topics and come up with some good articles. For now, I just need to get back to sleeping.

Happiness does not always mean being an intelligent, productive, and smart person. We know that some of our vices are bad, but we do them anyway because we have thought it through and decided to take the hit to our health, even though health (and happiness) should come first. There is a reason why intelligent people have vices (like smoking, or drinking). I don't think intelligence and happiness are not mutually exclusive.

Toxic masculinity

 I have yet to research this phenomenon, but through word of mouth, one of my old friend's explained to me that males have to deal with "toxic masculinity". I think there is macho-ism among men, especially groups of men, where it is encouraged to drink and do dumb things. For me, being a masculine man means having the courage to befriend and hang around women. Now, obviously generalizations are bad, but, I think I can say I am confident enough to want to be around women, or close with one woman in particular. Some men think the goal is to fornicate, and that's it. In other words, they are emotionally unavailable.

The toxic masculinity movement was something I experienced in school. There would be discussions on women and rating women, and there was a climb to prove one's "manhood" by making money and drinking a lot. Perhaps this is something that younger males do, but I think some men take this attitude well into adulthood. Personally, I like to have one singular woman in my life.

Since I am not a conservative, I don't subscribe to the conservative critique of toxic masculinity that is unfairly dejects men. I believe the social sciences can shed light on group dynamics and behaviours, and I feel that toxic masculinity is one such observed phenomena. Particularly, sports are a situation where homophobia is encouraged and other toxic masculine traits. Sports are an area that I don't have much appreciation for, so perhaps I have steered clear of toxic masculinity in that area.

Apparently toxic masculinity appears in prison situations. For me, the most deplorable part of toxic masculinity is the objectification and group objectification of women. In extreme cases, toxic masculinity can result in violent acts towards the opposite gender. Terrible outcome of a very infectious and detrimental aspect of some (traditionally highly-masculine environments.

I think having the courage to intermingle with women and to be confident (in many ways with one's own sexuality) is the Hallmark of a man who knows who he is. I hope that the toxic masculinity trend is only present in most men while they are young, and that largely men grow out of this as they age. Business-settings however, could potentially also encourage toxic masculinity.

Research

I think the idea should come first, then the research. It's good to be creative and think of ideas surrounding things, but the conducting the information check to back up and support your research should come after.

I am been fascinated with lithium recently. Primarily because it has a big impact on my life. It is an essential medicine throughout the world, but I am noticing some odd effects of it. It flattened me immediately.

I need to research it a bit more. From what I understand, it is an element (found on the periodic table), and it acts on the brain to help heal it and increase certain cell functioning. This information I gleamed form an informative YouTube video. But it would be nice to research this, and other aspects of health sciences using Wikipedia and perhaps the library. I am finding that channeling curiosity into reading is a good way to pass one's life. Sure, there have to be relationships, but understand the world through research and ideas is a rewarding pursuit and adds to contentedness in one's life, beyond material things.

When you think of the countless people out there chasing money, you have to wonder if they are truly fulfilled. The chase for money is fruitless because there is no limit to how much money you can have. As soon as you reach one ceiling, there is another one for you to pursue. It never ends.

Ideas, on the other hand, are valuable. But, in my writing, I would like to conduct ideas first and then research. l sit and ponder a lot and getting the facts to back up my musings would be useful.

Economics

 Economics is the study of the management of scare resources to meet unlimited human wants. This assumes that humans' wants are unlimited. But what if we can transcend this idea and limit our wants, to be satisfied with what we have? Would that make us less human?

I think I would have been suited to a life in academia, studying concepts and doing research to improve theories. I think I can get by with relatively little - I don't seem to be driven by the usual material search for more and more "stuff". This is why I sort of like communism.

I have to research communism more, if I can muster the intellectual stamina and commitment. "Das Kapital", by Marx and Engels, seems like a more intuitive theory than the typical capitalist-economy. The abstract idea of the market seems very artificial and elusive - non real. But communism seems to imply humans are something more than just workers. Maybe we're not, but I don't like to think of us as "monkeys in suits" either.

What about the economist who does research in their study or office in some tower in a university? Are they motivated by "unlimited human wants" and materialism? Perhaps some people are motivated by more than just things, they search for and crave ideas. I think I am one of those people.

Intellectual curiosity can be a good thing, but someone once told me "curiosity killed the cat". I have to put more work into research and search for ideas (probably using Wikipedia) in order to advance my need for curiosity-quenching.

Forgetting

In human relationships, sometimes someone puts an indelible mark on you. Sometimes, though, you are around people who are independent and self-sufficient. These are the people you don't worry about. But the black holes of human suffering, the odd person, really leave a mark on you. Generally, when someone fronts you or crosses you in some way, I have adopted the philosophy of "forgive and forget". If you can put time in between the offense to your psyche and the present, generally, moving on and not worrying about it is the best practice. I have blogged about A.M. a few times, and I consider him to be a devastatingly destructive individual. My friend said he has "issues". I have never seen such a dark energy in my life. It's as if his spirit has been infected for a few decades and has been festering. Unfortunately, once again, through the "internet", he was able to locate me and show up and worm his way into my life. I recently tried to adopt the philosophy of "forget"so I phoned him, and his voicemail was disconnected. A grown man.

I live in fear that he will show up again. I like relationships to have neat and tidy beginnings and ends, especially when the person has a history as deep as this. We had grown up together, or at least been inseparable from the period of children on. But I think, looking back, it was I who was always the stronger one. I can't let that negative energy bring me down.

I kind of lost my faith in humanity a while ago, but my cynicism leaves me vulnerable to people who are attracted to it. I believe I am very hesitant to ask for help, as I don't believe people generally want to help you. Or if they do, they want something in return. The exception could be professional relationships, but even then, "roles" comes into place and they are just getting a paycheck. I have learned this through my own work - that the professional does not truly and unselfishly care about the client.

So, I am left in an isolated spot. A position of being an island. Time is the great healer, but perhaps there are things that time cannot wipe out. Some people transcend time, and as we age, time grows ever short. The clock ticks to our death.

But we can still try to forget, as long as the people around us are not needy and worrisome. It is worrying about people that I detest the most. I like clean relationships, not evil darkness and black sludge.

I could blog a lot more about A.M. as I have never witnessed such an atrociously dark person.

The President-Elect

 I am sickened by the recent results of the election. The Donald took advantage of a fair and free society, one created through hard and diligent work by good and well-meaning people, and seized power. It's a scary time. I don't like a lot of his policies and I find him kind of wild and unpredictable, from what I've seen.  People take for granted that they are living in a democracy, and they have the freedom to choose who is in charge. I feel a heaviness in the pit of my stomach that we have him as the next leader of the free world. I don't want a billionaire businessman who doesn't work with people and to enacts rigid, right-wing laws to lead. He should not be in charge.

Bipolar Disorder

 Bipolar Disorder is a scary term. I heard that there is a tendency for medical professionals studying abnormal psychology to believe they exhibit the "symptoms" of the "disorders" they study. I was looking through Wikipedia a bit to learn about the disorder, which seems to be based on research, and found this facet of a "severe manic episode":

In severe manic episodes, a person can experience psychotic symptoms, where thought content is affected along with mood.^[30] They may feel unstoppable, persecuted, or as if they have a special relationship with God, a great mission to accomplish, or other grandiose or delusional ideas.^[32][33]

I may have experienced this. According to some professionals, I experienced an episode recently. I struggle with the credibility of the evidence surrounding my experiences, and the trustworthiness of the professional intervention I received. Accepting one's condition can be a hard rode, especially when they don't like the treatment or medication. For example, I find the side effects of Lithium, and the experience of taking it, to be tough to deal with. Sometimes I have trouble discerning what is the result of the therapy or me. My feelings seem real, and I have a serious dislike for this treatment.

Not having people to bounce ideas off or to provide feedback makes the experience of dealing with an alleged psychiatric disorder more difficult, especially when acceptance is an issue.

Drugs

 Drugs are a quick way to get happiness or joy. Getting "high" as it's called. I just bought a bottle of Tylenol and I took 1,000 mg. I must say it was kind of an agitated experience, but it did add a certain amount of excitement to the routine monotony of my day. 

I don't dabble in drugs, but Tylenol is something I wanted to try because I had enjoyed the way it made my headache go away several months ago. But I have been observing the effects and I think it is a drug.

I am struggling with giving up smoking and I have the patch on me pretty much at all times, at a doctor's recommendation. Taking it off causes me withdrawal symptoms and nervous irritability. But with harm reductions, the idea is to get off the smoking that is causing the damage to my lungs (which are in very bad shape after 24 years of the addictive habit).

Anyway, I guess Tylenol will be my recreational drug, if I have to choose one. Obviously it's better not to do anything but I did try these and I have a bottle, so I will probably continue to do it. The lethal amount is about 80 - 100 tabs I believe, so I guess technically it would be possible to kill myself with this bottle.

Luckily I have some things in my life that are going well so I don't want to do that. Also, it eases the pain a bit in life to take it. I will see if there will be some kind of down period after the effects of the drug wear off. 

I think the main face to a drug addiction is constantly wanting to quit. Nicotine addiction - have you ever met a smoker who wasn't "trying" to quit? I knew someone who was into cocaine a lot and he was constantly talking about wanting to quit. I think most addicts are obsessed with getting off the drug, whether they want to or not.

In my job I am into harm reduction so I think about how people can benefit from alleviating the harm of their substance.

Human fallibility

 As I grow as a person, get older, I am realizing that everyone has something "wrong" with them. Perhaps not wrong, as that casts a negative light, but everyone has some issues.

I tend to categorize issues into addictions and mental health, but truthfully, we all have something. As we grow, we get war wounds and battle scars and these can range in severity. I don't think I know one single person who is "normal". In a sense, "normal" doesn't even really exist.

I suppose if you were scatter-plot individuals in terms of their level of personal balance or health, they would range all over the map. I don't think there is such a thing as a normal curve when dealing with humans, as we are far too complex. I mean with perhaps one isolated characteristic here or there, you might be able to distribute people on such a curve, but overall, we are complex and varied beings. I think there is randomness in people.

In any case, it helps to realize I am not the only one who is suffering. I have issues, for sure, but I will work through them and realize that everyone else has issues too, if I can be so sensitive.

I am starting to realize that having fun around people and not taking these personally is a great strategy for coping through life. That, and realizing I am not the only one with moderate to severe issues. I don't think that improves as you get older, either.

Inner peace

 We have to stop and reflect on inner peace. There are individuals that cause a disturbance to your energy and peace of mind, from time to time. Sometimes this individual can be a family member. Sometimes a client. We need to realize that no relationship is worth receiving abuse, especially if it is not in jest. To be lonely and without people is probably better than to be with someone who is abusive. I count myself fortune to have one person who provides a positive energy in my life.

There is a saying, "if you find someone who can stand your presence, hold on for dear life." Well, in my case, she can stand my presence and I try to be a good person for her.

Being at inner peace require conquering our demons. Call them addictions, call them mental health struggles, whichever. Usually we have to find a pyramid of stability centering around good finances, followed by good health. I place finances above health because in this world, for better or for worse, we need money to survive. We need money for everything.

But once a certain financial stability has been achieved, then health can be a good pursuit. As I age, I realize that health is pretty much all we have, or near to it. Conquering our addictions, eating well, getting out - these are all things that lend themselves to achieving a degree of inner peace.

Medication, growing up, love, TV

 Medication might be something that some people are stuck with. I dislike the thought that I might be reliant on it. As someone said, "everyone" is on medication. But I don't about this. I am somewhat obsessed with the idea of it, or more particularly, hard hard-hitting lithium actually is. I have a block about it, and right now, I don't think my medications are right. But I am trying to do things right, and waiting until I can see my doctor to adjust it. Although that means waiting quite some time. I will write down my concerns on a list and bring it to their attention when I have that meeting. But it is an ongoing issue.

I think growing up means gathering some sort of independence. When you are diagnosed with a critical mental illness, or any other major disability, your parents have a tendency to be overly loving, whether that is through genuine concern, or, as someone had said, through "guilty parenting". But really, separating and breaking free and becoming your own person after having experienced such a trauma (or tragedy) is no easy task. Luckily, I believe I am not too old that I can work on myself a bit more and gain some sort of lasting happiness. I think therapists call it "enmeshment". There was a time when I was independent, socially, and could stand on my own two feet. I had to break into this routine, this habit once again recently and this involved drawing a hard line with the person who perhaps cares about me the most. It's scary. We don't want to let each other down. But a lot of it draws on realizing only you are responsible for your own happiness, and the other person is experiencing the same thing. To accept that you can be happy and others can be happy is perhaps what leads to that great sense of independence and automony. Finding your own way and carving your own life is what "growing up" or discovering yourself is all about. Even if you have to do it again. When we fall, we have no choice but to bring ourselves back up and keep fighting the good fight, every day.

This brings me to love. Love is great but it can also be suffocating. I am still grappling with this concept. Demanding love is probably not right, and expecting it perhaps too. I sometimes think of "spoiled" people as being in this dilemma. After my shocking life-experience when I was younger, I fell into a pattern where the people closest to me, the people that mattered most also because my biggest crutches. They were soaked in responsibility and dull obligation to loving me, so much that I, and perhaps them, could not really breathe. This led to a shattering whereby we all split apart and now have no choice but to feel confident that everyone is doing fine by themselves. But the issue of lithium still plagues me. I keep coming back to it because something just does not feel right. It is preventing a certain joy. Preventing joy. Joy is so important, I believe. This is evidenced in that I am not thinking about art - my crafty pursuits. Anyhow, this will all come together and time will do its glorious job of permitting us to grow.

A.M. was a serious block and barrier. It is tough when someone, so dark, so lost, comes into your life and you have to almost immediately let them go. Truthfully, the period lasted over 6 months but to look back and see how truly demented, twisted, and bad that person really was makes me stop and think. A.M. had been a character in my life early on and so we grew up together. We grew together. But he is down a bad path and has to figure out the journey for himself. The key ingredient to me surmising that I had to break him off and separate (once again) was that I could not sleep while involved in that "relationship". And it did feel like a relationship. This troubles me too, as I am too old to be having such things. If I am to have a relationship, I want it to be with a positive female, and this is the path that I will be on for the rest of my life. Provided, however, that I do achieve independence and, as stated above, have my own happiness. I do not mean I want to rely on a female for my happiness, but, I also don't really (at this point - or perhaps forever) want to be involved in a close relationship (certainly not intimate - but that's what it felt like due to implied co-dependency) with a man. That is natural. I do have a friend who is male who I strongly look up to, and another who I consider chummy (both brothers), but the person (A.M.) "disapproved" because that individual suffers from addictions. The issue of addictions vs. mental health is interesting, because both are kind of challenges and present different types of experiences with dealing with someone. Overall, I think dealing with a person where "addictions" is an issue, vs. "mental health" feels probably bit more normal. Maybe it's because it's more common. But, it's also probably on a case-by-case basis.

I have truly found that TV is a great friend. I say "friend" almost jokingly but it is truly a comforting presence. I find TV to be very healthy and warm. I had gone so long without appreciating TV, but it is great. I think the great thing about TV is that you are not the only one watching it. You are plugged into a live network, an experience where thousands, hundreds of thousands, or even millions of people are sharing the same event. They are all watching the same thing as you at the same time. I find TV more satisfying than "streaming". Previously (as in through the past several decades) I had been into streaming, thinking that this was the better medium. But I am now, coming to see again, that TV is a warm, unique medium that really makes you feel good inside. I am stealing with idea from Scott, partially (a great man), whom I also grew up with. I was truly blessed to be surrounded by some great people in my youth (after separating from A.M. mostly) but that is part of the journey of life, and it is not impossible to find these types of people again. I am not sure, but it might be harder at this advanced age (because it seems so many people have started families of their own and are doing their own thing) but I'm sure if I stick around I can find people in similar life situations. Even the place where I live has people that I'm starting to think of as in my circle. There is one person, in particular, who really let me have it and told me point blank that she doesn't believe I "exist". Not in those exact words, but it was troubling,

Mental Illness is a disability

 Mental Illness is a disability. That any enlightened government should treat it as anything but, is a sickening idea. There is stigma against people with mental illnesses, and the type of support that people get varies. Luckily, here, you can quality for disability (social services) when you have a diagnosed mental illness. Although, I have heard the process can be tough. Still, society does not do enough to cater to people with disabilities and the failure to recognize a mental illness as such bothers me.

I once heard that a society should be judged on how it treats is less fortunate. Having seen what I've seen, I believe this. I don't know what the budget is like with government but it should substantially help those suffering from a disability.

There is a staggering amount of stigma that somehow says people with mental illnesses are just lazy or not "trying hard enough". The research shows (and I studied this in psychology) that severe mental illnesses are illnesses of the brain and nervous system. We can't control our bodies or our inability to work, they are just what they are. I don't know how feasible it is in a functioning mixed-economy society to fully support everyone with a mental illness or disability but I am certain great lengths should be taken to help out. And the cynic in me suspects that not enough is being done.

Amazon Essentials

 I'm going to take a moment to big-up Amazon Essentials. They are the best clothing line I have come across. They are inexpensive and very good quality. Not brash, understated, and arrives within one day. I bought a pair of pants from them and they arrived and fit perfectly and are quite satisfactory.

I think from now on I will grab myself mainly in Amazon Essentials.

Highly recommend this for a men's line since they are stocked in all the sizes and look and feel good, and are sold at a fair price. Since I am a large person, I have trouble finding my size but I am quite pleased. I have found my new clothing go-to.

"Falling" in love

 I don't think anyone can really fall in love. I think love happens gradually over time. To fall into it implies a kind of risky recklessness that can lead to a chaos.

Growing up, we watched Disney films and there seemed to be this romantic cloud surrounding the process of "falling" in love. Perhaps it's for young people.

As I age, I want something different. There is mature love, which is a bond that is lasting between two people. I think relationships that start off as friends are the best. Better yet, friendship is the best. Romance is fine but a bond of friendship seems to imply an adjustment to the imperfections each individual.

Stability is very important. Consistency is not really possible, as relationships morph over time and people can have a tendency to grow, but a pillar of stability in a chaotic life is something to be striven for. The best relationships that I know of were formed through a shared commitment to having a life together, through a strong relationship.

I don't judge same-sex couples because they, as far I as I see, can understand this. Of course defining relationships and making these blanket statements is a kind of folly as well, as something as complex as a person does not really lend itself to generalization.

Happiness in low-income

 Anyone who doesn't want you to be happy on assistance is a bad person. When A.M. showed up in my life, who is fully supported by his rich parents, he kept telling me I would move out and seemed to look down on me. I even suggested he go on assistance and he shunned the idea immediately. I don't get why people would look down on assistance.

It really impacted my situation and happiness about where I am. That's why I blog about it. We feel like we won the lottery, with our situation, and to not be happy with all the greatness that we have is a misfortune. I made the mistake of posting my contact details on social media about 1 year ago and this individual, who was from my past, was able to contact me, send me "gifts", and gradually worm his way into my life. Because I was sentimental, I let it happen. I blocked the individual about 3 weeks ago and haven't looked back.

I need to blog about the seeping darkness that he created. Sure, some of us have mental health difficulties but he was truly nuts.

"Friends"

 I've watched a lot of the sitcom "Friends". Watching it now, I find it slightly annoying, but I think it is still a timeless classic. It is kind of sad how a few of the actors went on to get extensive plastic surgery, and Matthew Perry is dead. But they were such big actors at the time and made so much money.

I get a little bit of anxiety watching the show, however. There's something about the interaction of the 5 friends that makes me uncomfortable. The way they sometimes tease and ridicule each other. It was a different time back then, before cell phones and the ubiquity of computers.

My favourite character is by far Phoebe. I love her realism and attitude, and her immunity to being ridiculed by others. The way she teases the other "friends" and exposes them for their character flaws makes her a great character.

I don't stream Friends but I watch it when it's on TV. On a side note, I find that watching programs on TV is far more satisfying than streaming them. Streaming services are kind of disappointing compared to live TV.

Alcoholism and emotion

 Dealing with an alcoholic is extremely difficult. The emotional abuse inflicted upon someone who is on the receiving end of a relationship with an alcoholic is profound. I think mentioning "alcoholism" has a kind of shame to it. It isn't really talked about. Perhaps that is why it is called Alcoholics Anonymous. I think people who consume alcohol tend to band together. I am glad I do not have that issue or problem.

I think alcohol really damages the brain too. Alcohol is a substance that is very harsh, after all, it is used to clean and disinfect wounds. So putting that into your body in large quantities can't be good. After years or decades of drinking alcohol, I'm sure it effects cognitive functioning. There is one alcoholic in my life and when this person consumes he is unbearable to deal with. When he's not drunk, he is still very difficult but you can actually sometimes get a point across.

Even one sip of alcohol can render you intoxicated. My memory goes when I take a sip, and it has a long-lasting effect on me.

Black tar

 One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made (not literally) was posting personal information on the internet. A.M. found me and worked his way into my life over the course of about four months. Stalking, dropping off gifts, being a nuisance.

The depth of his involvement into my life left me covered in black tar. When I say this, I close my eyes and envision myself drenched in black tar. That is the extent of his influence.

Some families steam roll you and get what they want. Families are a very powerful force. In this case, I feel completely saturated. I went from being free and alone and a shining star to being swallowed up by the _arks. The poster empire that built their influence is strong and deep. That is why I consider blackness to be their main trait. It is a visual image in my mind and that's how I feel. It is suffocating to the spirit and disturbing to the mind and (almost) body.

When this happened the first time, I had to visualize myself eradicating the black tar from my mind, by visualizing whiteness, fire good. I pictured my cube, my world, and spraying and washing away the black tar. But somehow there was something lurking beneath the surface. A giant fireball or star that was swallowing up the space around my blackness. Millions and millions of dollars and an empire that has far-reaching implications around the country. I didn't want to be enveloped by the force. A lot of life comes down to energy, and how we perceive things. Energy is real.

Energy is why I have trouble falling asleep where I am. But the black energy of the _arks is a very real thing. The way they buy out their competition makes them think they can do whatever they want. Now the long process of recovery begins and over the course of the next decade, I hope to regain some of my freedom and undo the negative influence that this person has on my life. I am older, too.

Tonight, I finally had another visual, and that was steep, black tar seeping all over me. I had gotten the black individual out of my life but then low and behold, the pest that this person is, he appeared. Instant triggering and instant influence, I am now enveloped in the sticky, gooey, net of negativity and power. I don't know how to clean myself. My life was severely impacted. It was a light, empty feeling, now it's a heavy sludge. I can feel them thinking about me. Discussing me. Wondering about me. Worrying about me. Figuring out how to acquire me. I wanted a free, light feeling with my person. I didn't want to become part of the _arks.

Maybe through the power of words I can help explain what it feels like to be swallowed up.

I'm going to post a picture of something that I bought and that is arriving today. My pet will greatly enjoying roaming around the outdoors with this, and perhaps, I will feel tranquility and peace while enjoying the outdoors and expanding my domain.

Trust

 Trust is perhaps the most fickle element of every human relationship. It is destined to fail because trust cannot be maintained indefinitely. Once trust is destroyed, a relationship can never recover. But, there has to be something that keeps people together after that. I think that once trust is gone, people are free-er to be themselves. They stop seeking to please the other person and just start to exist. It's almost as if the relationship matures to a different level. If a relationship can persist with good levels of trust for a long time, that is pleasant, and can pave the way for a long-lasting relationship.

It is always difficult when trust is broken. And I'm not sure if it can ever be repaired.

Effort

 A principle that I have come to accept is "work smarter, not harder". I have learned that putting in a lot of effort to accomplish and goal that you'll have been attained with a far less amount of effort is very ineffective. Sometimes I will invest energy in people and think, "well, if I put in this effort I will be rewarded" when knowing the result will be poor before entering the interaction. I go through life surrounded by so many people that I've realized it's foolhardy to not be smart around them.

Boots vs. Sneakers

 My whole life I've been a sneakers-wearer. After trying on some Nike's and thinking they were garbage, I am reverting back to boots. I enjoy the support and malleability of a good leather boot.

Takes me back to my army days, when we would wear leather boots through all kinds of situations. I enjoy the toughness and durability and good support. l also find that boots mold to your foot very well.

I am contemplating looking at doc martins in the spring. For now, I have some excellent "dress boots" that I got from a top store. They are comfortable, weather-proof, and warm.

Investing

 The time value of money is an important concept and differentiates smart from dumb people (in my opinion). A key factor in the intelligence and success of children (I believe) is their ability to delay gratification. Putting off something that is good for an even better thing in the future is supposed to be (as far as I understand) an indication of groundedness and intelligence.

When it comes to money, investing means putting something aside so that you will have more of it in the future. Understanding that time will only increase your money and future rewards, to me, seems like a very wise and intelligent thing.

Sure, we can't expect to live forever, and there is risk with assuming that you will be around to have that money (or benefit) later on. But, holding onto a lot of cash for stability in the present seems to neglect the key factor of delaying gratification.

I don't speak about personal finances but I like to have something put away. Investing is, in my opinion, therefore a very wise and intelligent thing to do. The time value of money is a great tool for understanding what separates intelligent people (people with foresight - as mentioned above) from short-sighted and narrow-minded people.

Fashion

 

I ordered this little item on Amazon. Now, I was reflecting, how does one go about defining fashion? For me, fashion means wearing what's comfortable. If you feel comfortable in a particular piece of clothing then you are probably going to look good. The liberal way of dressing means more bold colours and risky clothing combinations. I like how you can just throw something on, nowadays, as shown in the styles of people around me, and if it is comfortable and clean it works.

Take this lanyard for example. There is no thought into how it may coordinate with other items of clothing. Yet, it will still function. It is a neat piece. When I see people around me dressing casually I notice bold and eclectic styles. People wearing unique items that look more for comfort and personal style than anything.

On a side note, my experimentation with Lithium continues. I have really concluded that I need not be on such high a dose. Every time I try to follow doctor's orders I realize that I am far too medicated and all of my fun and creativity vanish. But, to be honest, life is not perfect on a lower dose, either. But at least I can think more clearly and concentrate. Creativity and imagination, to me, are the barometers of how mentally healthy I am. I try not to attach importance to numbers and doses, the way a "professional" doctor would. By the way, I am a little annoyed at how revered doctors are in society. Some of the people I went to high school with would go on to be doctors and they were pretty deplorable and careless human beings.

Education vs. Experience

 In considering what is best for happiness, should one rely on education or experience. I believe that working hard at an education can lead to a good work-life. But if one is not motivated by hard work, then what is the purpose of education? To learn, is a great task. There is much greatness in books.

But in terms of practical life, shouldn't experience be a great teacher too? In managing money, I am not sure that there is any amount of education that could teach you how to do this. Doctors are educated but do they have experience with disease, illness, and other ailments?

Education passes down through the generations what previous people have learned. Where monks and scientists were cutting people open in the 15th century to see what was inside and learn about the functioning of organs, we can now read about their discoveries in a textbook. We don't have to relive the experience of previous pioneers.

In terms of maximizing one's on life, education is great if we can afford it. I'm not sure if education can teach you how to manage money, however. I have learned through the hard knocks how to be cheap when necessary and to prioritize things like food. I have learned to fend for myself. Coming into money however, could cause that money to sleep through one's fingers, since they do not have the experience of managing that much money. Therefore, to rely on the wisdom of others through education might be valuable in understanding this. But with a topic as sensitive and close-to-home as money, it can be very challenging indeed to equip oneself successfully with the tools needed for success through book-learning.

Warren Buffet lives within his means. He does not pursue a lavish life-style, yet has assets in the hundreds of billions. I want to emulate this and live within my means. When I come into money, I want that saved. I do not want to live a lavish lifestyle. I recently spent too much money on a piece of clothing, and I regret it. I tried to "undo" the order on Amazon, but it was too late.

Money

 Money goes to your head. I find that very few people can manage large sums of money effectively.

It becomes kind of a routine. You know how much you need per month on food and essentials. But the philosophy of "making lots of money" and having tons of money is kind of an annoying responsibility. To live for money is not a good practice.

I would prefer to live for the things that give me enjoyment. I would love to get back into art. Creative outlets are great.

My hobbies sustain me and keep me moving forward day by day. I came into a bit of money recently and I found myself instinctively buying clothes on Amazon. I went overboard and bought an expensive item. I am waiting with trepidation as the item arrives, hoping that it will fit and be a good piece of clothing. I probably should not have purchased it, however.

I like the idea of a savings account. An account with money that you never touch. It just stays there. Then, you live "paycheque to paycheque", living within your means with the money that you earn or receive each month. This kind of prevents going overboard and going on a spending spree with the money you have saved up.

Learning how to manage money is an important life skill. I feel like you can never truly master it. Some people choose to have someone manage their money for them. But, as I have said regarding my opinion on roles, I don't really trust professionals.

I have concluded, pretty much, that professionals don't care about you. There are very few people in this world who do care about you. Listening to the ones that do will get you farther and provide more happiness than listening to professionals.

A professional relationship tips the power in favour of the person who is getting paid to interact. Whether it's a doctor, lawyer, nurse, therapist, or whatever, that person sees many people and you are a client and a paycheque to them. Find the people who really care about you and pay attention to them. If you are lucky enough to find someone who truly cares, hang on for dear life. Money will lead to corruption and reduce your happiness.

Friendship

 It's interesting that as we age, we have fewer relationships. As adults, we tend to get along with people at work, but in terms of actual friends, they dwindle.

This concerns me a bit because sometimes I feel like I need more reliable people in my life. I have one, and I would like two.

What do you guys think about this? Why do we have fewer friendships as we age? And what about the anomalies who stack friends even into their old age? For someone like me who has little interest in getting married, I wonder if I should have more people to count on.