ESO

 I love ESO so much. It keeps me sane.

I'll write more about this game at a later time, probably, but it is a virtual world where you can be and do almost anything, within the confines of the game.

The longer I play the game, the more balanced and happier I am. It enables me to think properly. I have said before to Bunny that it is my insulin. And this is true, mentally. lt enables me to think clearly.

If you haven't tried ESO, I highly recommend it. In my opinion, it is the perfect game.

There are other great games on Game Pass too, of course, but ESO and ESO Plus really are the best experiences on Xbox I can ask for.

I would like to upgrade to a 4K TV and an Xbox Series X eventually, hopefully before February.

My whole life

 I have my whole life ahead of me. If I can just get past this medication piece I should be able to have a fulfilling life. A meaningful life. It's just that I am caught up on the lithium, and A.M. in particular whom I detest. Truly, I mean, him coming into my life has made me more miserable than I could have imagined.

But one thing I've learned, once I get my medication under control, is dreams are healing. They allow you to move forward.

I have to become a consumer/survivor, get my sleep under control, and dream, read, relax, hang out with Bunny, eat properly, and just have a peaceful, quiet, reflective, and thoughtful life. I can use this blog as my main creative outlet, and just blog for the rest of my life.

Get gold.

Mental Illness

 I don't have a mental illness. I just went through some shit.

I think I will focus on my health going forward. I need to be a consumer/survivor, and limit my medication, and just be happy and try to enjoy my life the best I can, as R.H. said. Just be easy on myself and go easy and take it day by day.

I don't know about this job because it seems pretty stressful but it might be a good way to give back because I do sort of enjoy it.

Helping others seems to be the only occupation I am suitable for.

Being crazy

 There is nothing wrong with being crazy. The psychiatric industry of treating this is messed up. I know this now.

Someone on chat said "I don't trust anyone who works in mental health".

That is very true.

I want to be a little "crazy". I want to experience joy, even if there is pain.

When my family "form 2'd" me they did it because they thought they had a good reason, I suppose, but is generally a shitty thing to do to someone.

I need to slowly work my way off these meds. Or at least lower them to some kind of reasonable dose. But even that, I know is still going to be bad. I don't think really any good feeling can come from psychiatric medication.

I want to be a consumer/survivor.

Pron

 I was told that pron was responsible for the downfall of mankind.

It truly truly is.

It ruined my life and I have been struggling with an addiction for my whole life, ever since I was 12 years old.

Someone showed me a video and since then I have been addicted to it, constantly searching for it. I never knew anything was wrong with it, it was just what I was brought up with. It changed the way I feel about women, and damaged all my relationships.

Recently I backslid and started watching again, ever since I got my netbook.

It is a terrifying habit because it is so quick and easy and addictive. It is making everything suffer. I hate it.

Medication changes

 It is absolutely crucial to be able to change your medications on your own.

If you know something's wrong, with the way you are feeling, make a change.

I know people say do it with your doctor but something definitely is not right. I am on too much lithium.

I will go from 600mg - 300mg. Lithium is completely evil.

I am not feeling well at all, I'm having nightmares, I can't sleep.

100mg - 25mg Trazadone too.

I am big man, grown, I can make these changes on my own. I don' have to wait one month to talk to a doctor about them.

I am in control about what goes into my body.

I hate lithium.

I also had a dream that Bunny and I both got fired (a nightmare) because it came to light we had a sexual relationship. Following that, we took the subway home, ran into Lizzy, got accosted, and I was kind of kicking things and she was now a hamster and she got dropkicked over a fence and into a field.

It was a terrifying nightmare. I felt like I lost her. Also, I am not getting along with my cat that well, ever since the lithium increase back up to 600mg. I am miserable.

Lithium

 I've been taking the lithium and I've somewhat come to terms with it. I realized that it's better to follow doctor's directions than not. It was just messed up because the doctors that put me on it were threefold, not my usual doctor. But then again I don't have a psychiatrist.

I feel like I've lost my creativity and I feel like I'm in a bit of a haze - a dark cloud, lazy.

But then again if I do have bipolar this is apparently a good medication for it.

I'm just living my life.

Outlet

 It's 4:23 am. I am awake. I am just thinking how important it is to have a creative outlet. The Lithium, Paliperidone, and other drugs have created a sort of mental blank in my mind. When I close my eyes, all I see is a white fog. It's like there is white fog (the lithium) in front of a white wall (the Paliperidone). Before, when there was no lithium, it was just a white wall, but I was still able to visualize and imagine - I could see a calm blue ocean if I wanted to. I could have done art.

I was knitting, I was even painting. I was happier. I even had a 55" TV, a recliner, and my apartment was laid out better.

Granted, I did kind of have to rearrange my room/unit because the air conditioner had broken and the guy came with a new one. There was no room for it, because it was a floor model, so the bed had to move to the living room.

I am concerned about coming off the Lithium. Ultimately, I have to believe that the brain is a resilient organ and the body can recover after Lithium. I have only been on lithium for roughly 3 months so I think I should adjust. l have to be really patient with myself and rest a lot, drink a lot of water, eat meals, and just recognize that biologically, I am still on other drugs that could be treating my diagnosis. Additionally, I have to remember that I had been on Lithium for years before, went off it, and managed to basically survive. I didn't want to kill myself back then, in fact, I was happy. I walked around with a bounce in my step and was in a general good mood. I had friends, relationships, and had some very interesting conversations with people. No one accused me of being crazy. I have to remember that there is hope. I can seek support from different channels too. Psychiatry isn't the only answer.

Friend family

 I think it's important to sometimes realize that you need a friend family. This includes selecting several people who are important to you and allowing them to be your true family. If you've been shunned by your real family, just because there are biological connections, you shouldn't have to try to hold onto those relationships at the cost of your own health and financial status.

Money and family

 It is difficult when you have a rich dad, your mom has died, and you are living 50% below the poverty line. If you call your father, and he doesn't pick up the phone or return your calls, you know that money is the root of all evil.

People suck. I've got to move forward with my life understanding that I can manage my own problems on my own, and I don't need my father. He has been very abusive to me in the past anyway.

Even though I have a "mental illness" I've gotta focus on the positives. I am not my illness, and I think, I could even get better.

It's just when I got to sleep at night or I wake up in my morning I miss my Dad.

Work

 I just got back from work. It started off really enjoyable but then my mind started to wander and it was hard to pay attention. When you're on lithium, there really isn't much else you can do but work and try to enjoy your life.

I would like to see if my doctor can reduce my Lithium slightly. I feel like it's a bit much.

I am reflecting about independence and separating from your family. I have turned into a kind of hermit, I have gotten used to my solitude in a big way. Time is pretty enjoyable and peaceful when you're by yourself.

I just want to get my medication right so that I can be a bit more creative, and have some original thoughts. I would also like to practice meditation a bit.

My one friend is a great influence in my life, and teaches me the ways. She is older than me so I feel that her experience is paving the way for my health and success.

It's a good thing there is the internet because it gives me something to do. Also, buying this netbook was such a good purchase.

It's also a good thing I have my cat.

Mind and medication

 I used to think that having a mind and taking medication were mutually exclusive. Now, I understand that taking the medication helps with your mind. lt may impact or hinder your ability visualize creatively (I'm not sure on this) but I've noticed that you can actually sort of think more clearly while taking the medication.

Lithium is scary though, because, as has been said by many people, there's no coming off of it. There are cases where, when your kidneys start to fail, you may need to switch to a different medication, but Lithium seems to be a special case. It is an element.

Roles

 It's important to understand the purpose of "roles" in life. I remembered this concept from Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". 

In life, one must always understand roles, and how to successfully fulfill them. Whether it's being a son, a friend (the most important role, in my opinion), a client, a patient etc.

I find that in my type of life people can confuse professional relationships with personal relationships. Personal relationships are the ones that you should treasure, hence why friendship is so important.

But, some people confuse (and I find this to be the case where I live) a professional contact with their friend. Really, if the contact is professional, we don't owe them anything. It is important to realize that a worker, a doctor, etc is always there to serve us. That is why they are getting paid money. I have a tendency to try to please professional contacts and workers, and gain their approval.

I have this theory that a professional contact cares more about their "job" then the person they are paid to help. I have noticed this as well with colleagues and working in my field.

Thus, it's good to understand our roles, and what are obligations are. The term "boundaries" is sometimes used. I don't really appreciate this term but I suppose one could understand that understanding a role could lead to strengthened and appropriate boundaries.

Getting healthy (mentally)

 I'm starting to realize what I have is a real mental illness and there is nothing wrong with taking the medicine.

Lithium is scary but I am following doctor's instructions to a Tee.

I need to work with my doctors. It's not like the medication does anything negative to you, it is there to help. But man is it scary to confront your mental illness, especially when there are side effects.

I have a good worker, from an organization here, that helps me understand that.

Very scary stuff.

Form 2

 Generally one of the more shitty things you can do to someone is form them.

It's when you place a psychiatric hold on someone. The cops can literally come to your door and cuff you and take you to the hospital for a mandatory (minimum) 3 day stay. Once you're inside the doors of that hospital, it's like being in prison, only, they don't tell you when you're getting out. They drug you. There is security. There are all sorts of other unimaginable horrors.

My family has formed me more times than I can count. In recent times, they issued 2 or 3 form 2's on me.

Abuse from a parent

 Having an abusive father or mother is not a good thing. Sometimes we get caught in the cycle of emotional abuse or physical abuse. We desperate seek the love of our parent, and they may or may not choose to give to you. Sometimes it can be difficult to break free of a toxic relationship, especially when there is money concerned.

I recently had to break free of my relationship with my father, who had been extremely controlling and scary. An alcoholic, he would commonly sling insults my way. He even attempted to seize control of my financial documents and use that to blackmail me.

I am proud of myself for having the bravery to take charge and make a bold move, risking a lot to just take matters into my own hands and exercise my own control.

Because I am not old, and my parents is, I am one of those people who has to get used to their parents dying early in their life.

Letter from bank

 I received a letter from a bank. I was concerned and had been warned that the process for dealing with the bank would be complicated and beyond my reach. After examining the package I have determined that it could not be more simple.

The only thing is I have to retrieve a government number. But this should be accomplish-able through mail. I just have to contact the appropriate administration. If I have to go in person, I will.

Chat sites

 I have frequented quite a few chat sites over the years. From ICQ to underground IRC channels, to one big mainstream one.

Not all chatrooms are created equal. The mainstream one that I was somewhat dependent on for quite some time causes a lot of anxiety. It is a mix of social media (which I don't like) and chatting with strangers. I always feel kind of a wash of anxiety when I go to a "social media" site. It makes you think you are socializing with real people, but really, it is just AI.

I'm going to a chatroom now which is much more sane, it has a very small member base and there is a focus or topic to the chat. The chatters are bound by a common feature.

Anything "Meta" I eschew. I accidentally installed a "Meta" product yesterday and it really impacted my thinking for quite some time.

I think I have a very sensitive brain. My focus in recent weeks has been getting my "mind" back. It's not enough for me just to have a brain that functions neurologically with drugs. I need to have some sort of mind. And by that I mean, a creative drive or spirit. When I close my eyes, I need to be able to visualize something. I don't just want to see the light shining through my eyelids. I want some sort of imagination. Some ability to reflect on my lot on life.

That is where the drugs are exceedingly bad. They mute your self-awareness, your ability to reflect. Call it insane, call it what you will, but a sense of self is important. I think a focus on medicines and pharmacological solutions has made us acutely aware of the brain, and has drifted a bit from the idea of the mind. Some cultures call it a "spirit", or even "energy".

Another terrible feature of this Lithium, coupled with the Trazadone (and who knows what my antipsychotic and other mood stabilizer are doing) is complete and near-total non-interest in sex.

Masturbation doesn't work.

This is a shift from me, because I was used to having a somewhat decent sexual life. Sex is a part of life and to, at my age, be devoid of it is kind of disconcerting.

But it is the idea of the mind that I want to get back. I recognize I have a medication but, I think what they term side-effects, makes it almost unbearable and hard to tolerate.

It is really the "Lithium" that I am having a problem with. The Trazadone I have somewhat-successfully been able to reduce on my own, and have had some medical guidance on this. The lithium, simply, scares me. It is not even a drug, it is an element. Li on the periodic table. Who the fack knows what it is doing to my brain and body?

I am just improvising in life at this point. Taking each challenge as it comes. As I said, I am lacking a sense of self and just taking it day by day. I have put my faith in the Lithium, almost unwillingly, and feel that I am now dependent on it.

I am working with a mental health worker and my doctor to try to address some of these concerns. I know I am not crazy, but I do somewhat acknowledge that I have a mental illness.

Lithium, lowered...

 Sometimes I question what I did about my Lithium, lowering it by half on my own. But I really have to remember that life was not worth living on the higher dose.

It was making me extremely sick and already I am having a problem with not having any feeling and not getting any joy in life.

I will remain on this halved dose until I can see my doctor next, and then explain to her what happened. I'm sure she will empathize, we have a pretty good relationship.

I have to remember, and everyone should, really, that the decisions we make in life are done with the best of intentions, for ourselves mainly. If we make a decision and it goes awry, we can't really blame ourselves or anyone. As the baz luhrman song goes, "our decisions are half chance, so are everybody else's".

So we carry forward and we do the best we can and that is really all we can do. Until the day we croak.

Mail fraud

So my father tried to withhold my mail. A bank sent me some forms and he would not give them to me. I believe it's illegal to not give someone their mail!

Anyway, I'm an adult and I can't really expect my father to love me. You can't force anyone to love you.

A lot of times with mental illness it tears the family apart. But looking after your health including your mental health on your own is extremely important.

At the end of the day, if I'm calling my dad daily and he never calls me, maybe I'm trying to ask for love that is not there.

The mail contains some trust forms that belong to me. I don't know what his motive or angle was in not giving me my mail.

End of rant.

Liberal multiculturalism

 I believe in language. I think that this emphasis on multiculturalism is kind of bad for a country or community. I think a strong country should have one language.

I have a really difficult time communicating with people who are of a different ethnicity, and you can't even really say that because it is politically incorrect.

Sometimes I just want to ask someone, what is your nationality?

The liberal agenda of bringing in as many immigrants as possible into a country serves what purpose? A strong economy?

It might make people feel more isolated, because there are fewer options of people to socialize with. When everyone from Nigeria sticks together, India, China, etc. How do we communicate with them? Their English is so hard to decipher it makes having an intelligent conversation difficult.

Change

 Well, I managed to get 8 hours sleep. Still not enough,

I need to catch up on more sleep. But my schedule is messed up, once again. Getting my body used to this change in Lithium will be no easy task.

Change is always disorienting. Recently, an individual entered my life in a random way, A.M., who is a complete basket case and very fluid in his life. He is constantly in motion. What he lacks is consistency.

I need stability. Stable people, a stable life.

For a long time I was frequenting a chatroom and it provided a certain amount of stability, Then, I found my friend. But somewhere along the way it got messed up.

When I entered the hospital in September I put my trust in doctors. I had convinced myself that I was crazy. That is a hard-learned lesson that I will take with me.

I think about the current environment in the world, most notably here in the West, and I wonder what exactly is happening. Honestly, I don't really care about politics but I am meeting my father today for lunch and it seems like that is all he cares about. He has wild and crazy ideas about people and politics. Maybe because he watches hours of news every day. Or maybe because he's old.

I am realizing now that I am sort of using this blog more as a journal than a blog. But then again, it is about random stuff. I don't intend on sharing this blog with anyone I know.

Gratitude

 As I sit here in this crowded food court with far, far too many people, I am reflecting on gratitude. We are not always where we want to be in life. Some things are good, some things are bad. We are usually somewhere in the middle. It's important to feel gratitude for what we do have. Generally as we age, we might be disappointed in the mistakes we made and what we could have more of. But what matters is that we have some people in our lives to hold our hands and be there for us.

I have realized that I will be devoting a lot of my time to work. It's kind of what drives me forward. Making money is good because it gives you the freedom to buy things. Lately I've been spending almost all my money on food. I like to have a nicely stalked kitchen at home.

I generally think of myself as floating around the people around me. With those younger than me, they have possibility before them. As you age, you have less possibility. Because of my experiences, I have sort of become rather bitter. I need to keep an open mind and realize that there are a lot of good things that I have, even if I'm not where I want to be in life. And I can still get more things because I still have quite some time ahead of me.

Basically there are two things that keep me going: reading and video games. I need a healthy dose of both. I have said in the past that video games are my insulin. One in particular.

Reading makes me more intelligent. However, I have realized that due to a lack of imagination, I might not be getting as much as I could be getting from my books. My friend says she gets visual images of the things she reads. And she reads for learning. I didn't bring my book with me today but I am kind of wishing I had.

Smoking

 I have been an on-and-off smoker for the last 24 years. I am at the stage now where I find it kind of disgusting to inhale smoke into your lungs. But I do miss the feeling of exhaling out a relaxing puff of smoke and feeling at ease.

I know I can't smoke forever because I do want to live a long time and do not want to die a horrid, painful death due to smoking. Although we can't really control how we die, to an extent.

Anyway, I have been "bumming" the occasional smoke here and there. I have to take off my nicotine patch every time though. Also, I have been finding that smoking alone is a lot less satisfying of late.

At the food court

 I just had subway. I'm at the food court with my friend. Now I'm contemplating getting Chinese food.

I don't really have much to say at this point. I am halfway between considering this blog to be some type of journal, and also a blog that shares my thoughts on experiences I've had and different matters.

I was remarking that I am somewhat a-political. I don't really understand politics. Lately I have been more left-leaning but I was brought up in a relatively "conservative" household, I believe. But I don't think people fall into one camp or the other. People are typically a mix of both. Plus, I'm not really sure what those terms mean.

I do know that I am a fan of a changing government. I would not want our leader to have another term. It has been going on long enough. Therefore, it's good to have multiple parties.

At the same time, I typically do not vote. l don't really want to be part of the system and I never really like whatever leader is running.

I am really enjoying this device. I got it for a great bargain from Amazon, as I believe I mentioned previously. I don't know why I frequent chatrooms. They are a very fake form of entertainment. I do spend a fair amount of time on the internet, but lately and pretty much in an ongoing fashion, I prefer to communicate on Xbox. I think the voice option is good, and it's extremely easy to use.

I am feeling better today that I have in some time. I know there is hope for decreasing some of the side effects of the drugs that I'm on. I've also realized that I can act without the consultation of my doctor, as long as I do it in a thoughtful matter and I keep them apprised of what's happening. All I know is I didn't want to go on living on the "higher" dose of this drug that I'm on.

More Ramblings

 How do you get someone out of your life? Especially if they are someone from your early childhood.

I tried using mental imagery to remove them from my mind. I pictured a pristine white cube (my unit) and a black seeping tar that infiltrated its sanctity. I tried to remove this tar but it was hard to get out. After making a lot of progress through this visualization I finally bumped into the person right around the corner from where I lived.

Back then it was simpler times. l was knitting I had my friend, I was reading, I was a lot thinner, I wasn't on so many medications. I was interacting with people a lot more. Even my bail supervisor mentioned that I was looking a lot worse. I don't know what I'll do but start the long process of recovery.

Life is all about learning and I have learned a key piece if wisdom from all of this: don't trust doctors. And also, sometimes shitty things happen like having this person enter my life which has been very traumatic. He is a beast of person, very persistent, and honestly someone I had hoped to just keep in my past. I am not sure how long it will take to get past this. Maybe years, maybe never. I have to try though.

A lot of bad things have happened to me ever since A.M. entered my life. My TV got smashed, I went into the nuthouse, I rearranged my apartment. A lot of this mental turmoil is due to the fact that I do live in an asylum, but be that as it may, I can look out and feel the way I feel.

It is 4:07 AM and I am looking forward to morning. It always gets a bit frantic this time of night, before the dawn, for some reason. "It's always darkest before the dawn" is a saying that sort of applies to my life. Each evening is long. I can usually get some rest as dawn approaches though. I used to really appreciate the R.E.M. sleep that I would get going into dawn. Lately I don't know if I have been getting any. It is something that I miss.

I also miss coffee. And cigarettes (although my lungs really can't handle them), I miss alcohol to a certain extent. Or perhaps it is just the feeling of having the option to consume alcohol. A glass of wine here or there, or a beer. I sort of reached a point where I did not need it in my life but I liked having the option of having a drink. With all the drugs I'm on it is very hard to have that kind of normal life any more.

I have to persist.

3.39 AM Ramblings

So I awoke at my usual 6 hours of sleep. I think I will find blogging very useful.

I'm unsure how personal I will get in this blog, but being as I probably won't show it to anyone I know I suppose I can get relatively personal. Although, this is the internet so I probably shouldn't disclose any actual details.

Like I said in the previous post, I am titrating off two of my medications. It is going to take some patience and some grit, but it is possible, I believe.

Lately, an individual entered my life who has been a dark influence. They are a person from my past, someone who I hadn't intended on ever seeing again. They found my phone number on the internet, however, and contacted me. Ever since, I have been plagued by thoughts of this person. I blocked their number. Now, I have to worry about them showing up up in my neighbourhood.

I am truly scared of this person.

But, time should heal this up.

The medication that I am titrating down is Lithium and Trazadone. I really shouldn't have been on these two medications in the first place. But when I went into the hospital in September (I believe it was) the doctor there, mentioned both of those medications. Fool that I was, I decided to pursue his advice. Anyway, several weeks later and I was on both of those medications, Lithium and Trazadone.

Lithium fucks with your brain. That will be a hard one to come off of. It doesn't really mess you up in a bad way if you are not on too much of it. But from the little I know about it, it completely alters your brain chemistry. So slow removal will be key. The Trazadone also messes with you, but in a different way.

In any case, you could argue that I am crazy. But I would rather be slightly crazy and happy than be medicated (especially on Lithium) and miserable.

Essentially with any medication the body just gets used to it, and then it kind of stops being as effective. And also, I do not trust doctors any more.

Recently, I started a job that entails me recruiting people to come speak at certain events. It is a good job with a decent wage, but it is relatively few hours per week.

In any case, I am both excited and hopeful to get these drugs out of my life, and a little scared about removing said person from my life. I have so much more to say on the subject.

I am reading the "Arrows Trilogy" by Mercedes Lackey. It is a good story about a girl named Talia who enters a special city where Heralds and Companions watch over and protect the people. It is a fantasy tale involving interesting characters and protagonist who you really want to root for.

First Post

Hi internet world,

I would first like to say that this blog will be about nothing whatsoever. It is simply the ramblings of a possibly-warped mind. At times it will be personal, and at times it will be a rant. I do intend to unleash some serious gripes.

That being said, I hope there will be an evolution of thought, a progression that will lead me into some sort of linear path that will hopefully make sense one day.  Looking back, I hope to see progress.

At the same time, this blog will give me a voice to unleash my creativity. It will be an outlet.

Lately I've been a bit disillusioned with some of the drugs I've been taking. Well, more accurately, I have been drugging myself. I believe that since I have a roof over my head, and income, it should be up to me whether or not I take drugs or, as the euphemism goes, "medication".

I am not concerned with whatever diagnosis I have. What I want is to be safe and healthy.

My friend Laura is an enormous support to me. She sees me for exactly what I am, and actually listens. Many people would simply accuse me of being "non-compliant" when I talk about stopping to drug myself. Or at least that is the shade of my mother appearing in my head.

I have noticed that my mind or ability to imagine things has been negatively impacted by these drugs. Also, my body has deteriorated in health. I am a bit worried that I am dependent on them now, but I intend to gradually ween myself off.

At first when I started living alone I was a bit apprehensive that I would have no one to talk to. Now, I am somewhat used to it. I think this blog will be some sort of way of speaking to others, so that I can get stuff off my chest. I had created a journal at first, but I am noticing that typing is much more efficient. I saw an interesting video of Elon Musk during his entrepreneur days, early on, and he was always on his computer. If he can do it, so can I!

I purchased this "netbook" off Amazon yesterday for $100. It arrived today. It was a tough decision to spend the money, but I am glad I did.